REVIEW: The Queen Mary's Dark Harbor 2018

Let's get this out of the way: I was totally taco-blocked at the Queen Mary last night.

OMG OMG OMG DARK HARBOR RULES THIS YEAR!

They bounced back so incredibly hard from last year's taco debacle that there was no free food whatsoever - not even the possibility of free tacos - and I didn't even care!

Seriously, though - it's the maritime-flavored, floating haunt from hell that we always knew it could be, but I don't think it ever quite achieved its full potential until now. But with haunt mastermind Jon Cooke - the man behind Knott's Scary Farm's Dark Ride, my Favorite Maze Ever - on board to revamp the mazes and rethink the layout, Dark Harbor is finally great. 

One of the most unique features of Dark Harbor is the Queen Mary herself, an enormous vessel that looms large in local lore as being actually haunted. As far as I know, this is the only haunt in the Los Angeles area that takes place in a notoriously haunted locale. Other states have their abandoned asylums and prisons; we have a glamorous and spooky Art Deco-style ocean liner permanently docked in Long Beach.  

But Dark Harbor doesn't rely on the ship to do all of its heavy lifting; instead, they have created an entire creepy carnival of the damned, replete with circus and sideshow performers, Satanic taco stands, six mazes, the swing ride from Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch, and many, many themed bars scattered throughout.

I don't think any of the mazes are actually new this year - the themes and names have remained the same - but they're so much more effective they might as well be. The two best are easily Intrepid, which starts on a train and wends its way through a foggy graveyard funeral scene, a creepy church, and Gothic stone dungeons full of flickering candles, and B340, which actually takes place on the ship itself. Both of these are so immersive and transportive that you may find yourself actually, genuinely disoriented, if not outright lost. The mazes are dark, the monsters are creepy rather than aggressive, and the effects are disturbingly convincing. 

Circus, Feast, and Deadrise are also unique and creative mazes - Circus, in particular, makes the most of its theme by leaning into sideshow spookiness rather than relying solely on the somewhat-tired killer clown trope. The only maze that I wasn't completely taken with this year was Lullaby. It had its moments, but overall I found it a little lacking.

Have I mentioned the bars?

Look, I'm sure if you don't drink, you can still have a great time at Dark Harbor. There's absolutely no reason you HAVE to partake. But if you do drink, four of the six mazes feature secret bars where you can order specialty cocktails, mingle with fellow haunt enthusiasts, and even affectionately torment fellow patrons who are making their way through the maze. The catch is, you'll have to follow the clues to find these sinister speakeasies. If you're not up for mystery-solving, drop some cold cash and check out the Ice Cave, where you can sip flavored vodkas and sit on a glowing throne made of ice and embedded with bones.

What truly sets Dark Harbor apart from other haunts - and what elevates it well above the Queen Mary's previous Halloween offerings - is the sense of genuine adventure that it offers. I felt like I never knew what to expect around any given corner, both in the mazes and just while wandering around. A sexy marionette skeleton striptease? Mashed potato tacos? Crawling on my hands and knees through a meat grinder? To all of these and more, Dark Harbor offers a resounding, "Hell yeah, why not?!"

Whether you've never been to Dark Harbor or it's an annual tradition for you, make sure you add it to your 2018 haunt schedule. You won't be disappointed.

This Sunday, October 7th, use promo code SUNDAY to save 40% off GA tickets.

Disclosure: I was provided with complimentary passes to review this event.