Movie Morsels, Pt. 6

 

THE SECRET OF CRICKLEY HALL (2012): So I needed something kinda involving but not too complicated to watch because I was sick, and I settled on this low-key intriguing British haunted house two-parter on Hulu. After a woman's young child goes missing, she and her family move into a country estate where she hears him calling to her from beyond the grave. But is it really him?! This just the kind of thing to watch if you're sick or on a plane or a train or something: A little spooky but not too scary, a little sad but not completely devastating, involving enough to be watchable but you won't be heartbroken if you get interrupted. Not too shabby!

THE MUMMY (1932)/THE MUMMY'S HAND (1940): Universal monster movies are cinematic comfort food for horror fans. So slow-paced and soothing. The original Mummy is a masterpiece, even if it does follow the same basic plot as Dracula. I threw in The Mummy's Hand here for good measure because, while I did watch it, I barely remember it. Needs more Karloff. 

MOANA (2016): I am so behind on my Disney/Pixar animated movies that this was a first-time watch for me. Again, I needed something cute, comforting, not too grim or alarming. This is all of those things, plus heartwarming, and with a heaping helping of Lin-Manuel Miranda songs. 

LUCA (2021): In retrospect I guess I put together a little seaside double feature by watching Luca and Moana in quick succession. This tale of a young sea creature who wants to hang out on the land but feels like he has to hide his true nature is very sweet and a total metaphor for queerness, so...perfect for pride month? Also, it's set in Italy, and anything Italian is ideal for watching on warm summer days. 

RETURN TO OZ (1985): Nightmarish is an understatement. From the Wheelers who chase Dorothy on all fours to the evil princess who keeps a collection of heads in glass display cases so she can swap out her noggin at will, this movie is so full of surreal and disturbing imagery that it is a genuine wonder anyone ever shows it to little kids. (Do they?!) I mean, the whole reason Dorothy returns to Oz is because she's institutionalized and given electroshock therapy! I know the first film is kinda dark too, but really this is closer to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest than it is to "Follow the Yellow Brick Road." (Disclaimer: I have not read the books that provide the source material, but I think I've heard that this adaptation is actually pretty accurate?) Anyhow, none of this is a criticism. Return to Oz is cool and you should totally check it out if you haven't seen it. Just be prepared!

JASPER MALL (2020): A documentary about a once-bustling mall dying a slow death in a small American town as the economy flounders and malls themselves are cast into the dustbin of history, thanks in large part to the Internet and online shopping, this is a strangely affecting and fairly poignant snapshot of what feels like the end of an era. I wouldn't say I miss going to malls exactly, but it is interesting to think about how prominent they were when I was a kid vs. how completely obsolete they feel now. But hey, being online means that not only can we buy anything imaginable in mere minutes, we also have easy access to all the pornography, memes, and cute cat videos we could ever want. How could malls ever hope to compete?!

Movie Morsels, Pt. 5

 

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER (1988)/A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD (1989): So originally I had planned to do a rewatch of the entire Elm Street franchise, but after revisiting these two I was suffering from serious Freddy fatigue and had to scrap the rest of the series. Just as well, honestly, because apart from New Nightmare (which has plenty of fans, although it's not really my cup of tea), the rest of the films aren't that interesting. I combined these two because they sort of blur together in my mind. If you like quippy Freddy, this is probably the apex of the series for you. Me, I prefer my Freddy on the stoic side. Different strokes.

THE HALLOW (2015): This is a cool Irish folk horror/creature feature about evil faeries. Some moments of real suspense. Lots of baby-in-peril stuff. What's not to like? 

THE THING (1982): I love John Carpenter, but while I grew up watching Halloween and The Fog, I've only seen The Thing a handful of times. This was the first time I ever saw it on a big screen, in a brand new 4K restoration at an American Cinematheque screening (yay, living in Los Angeles). It looked incredible and I enjoy this movie more every time I watch it. This might be good counter-programming for the hot summer days to come. Doesn't Antarctica look sooooo icy and refreshing?

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S (1989): I had made it this far in my life without ever seeing Weekend at Bernie's. Why did I decide to watch this? I don't know. I guess because so much of what we watch is bleak and/or anxiety-inducing that we've recently started dipping our toes into the dumbest, broadest comedies we can find. It's a nice palate cleanser tbh. I can't pretend I hated this movie. If you like corpse comedy, this will be your jam. Side note: Corpse comedy deserves its own subgenre.

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II (1993): No, I take that back -- corpse comedy does not deserve its own subgenre. I really have no excuse as to why I watched this, apart from a perverse compulsion to be a completist. This is a much more mean-spirited film than the first. Andrew McCarthy's character is a sociopath. The voodoo element adds nothing. The funniest part is probably that they were pretentious enough to use the Roman numeral "II" in the title. I mean, they're not even at Bernie's place this time, so the title is a total misnomer. Truly, this film lives up to its negative hype. 

SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER (1993): Pure coincidence that we watched two comedies from 1993 back to back. As a lifelong fan of Wayne's World, I have a fondness for Mike Myers' '90s output, but this didn't really hold up for me. Again, kind of felt mean-spirited rather than fun and lighthearted. Example: Why was Scottish dad so abusive toward his large-headed son? I mean, really. Is this what we thought was funny in the nineties? Drunk dads screaming at their families? (Oh, shit...The Simpsons...Married with Children...yeah, I guess we thought that was pretty fucking funny. Damn, we had some shit to work through!) 

Movie Morsels, Pt. 4

 

EXPLORER: THE LAST TEPUI (2022): I watched this because I'm a fan of Alex Honnold, who you'll certainly remember if you've watched the documentary Free Solo -- he's a rock climber who famously scales his conquests without any ropes or safety gear. As someone with a lifelong fear of/fascination with heights, I have to say Free Solo is one of the most terrifying movies I've ever seen and I highly recommend it. Well, he climbs with ropes here. In fact, this isn't really an Alex Honnold movie at all; it's about a biologist who is no longer able to physically make the treacherous trip to discover new animal species on a cliff side deep in the Amazon jungle, and the climbers who are tasked with trying to get him up there anyway. Loved the scenery, but I can probably name half a dozen other climbing documentaries I'd recommend before this one. For Honnold completists only.

THE UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF MASSIVE TALENT (2022): This is that meta comedy where Nic Cage plays (a fictionalized version of?) Nic Cage. I thought it was really cute and sweet and good-natured. Honestly, I laughed more at this movie than I have at any new comedy in ages. It's silly and fun.

THE NORTHMAN (2022): I enjoyed The Witch (still haven't seen The Lighthouse), so I was certainly interested in director Robert Eggers' take on Norse mythology, but something about this movie never quite gelled for me. I know it was supposed to feel like this huge, magnificent epic, but I was never fully engaged. Is this a "me" problem? I don't know. But Alexander Skarsgård's abs just weren't enough to carry me through.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984): What can I say? An absolute classic. I still think it's really scary, and Tina's death is so brutal. Like many first installments of horror franchises, it's a lot more subtle than it's given credit for. I'll leave it at that -- it's Nightmare on Elm Street, fer chrissakes; I have to imagine I'm preaching to the choir here.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE (1985): Here it is, just in time for Pride Month, the slasher with the queer subtext so pronounced that it's basically just regular text! Honestly, I did not grow up watching this movie (or any of the NOES sequels, for that matter -- as a kid I was always a first-installment-only bitch), so I've only seen it a handful of times. I think I like it more every time I watch it though. I know it's not really in line with the rest of the franchise, but I enjoy the possession angle, and it's cool to have a Final Boy for a change. Makes me sad when the bird blows up though.

LIVID (2011): A cool French movie from the directors of the notorious Inside (which I have not seen, because it sounds too brutal for me). I dug the haunted house setting and the spooky ballerinas -- from Suspiria to Black Swan, I love me a spooky-ass ballerina. I watched this on Shudder but I think it's gone now. If you get a chance, check it out; it has a sort of dreamy, Guillermo Del Toro-ish quality, and the ending is very strange. I suppose you could call it a fairy tale.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS (1987): I have to be honest: I think this is probably the last great Nightmare movie. (More on that in a later installment of Movie Morsels.) Many people consider this their favorite Nightmare movie, in fact, and while it's not mine, I can see why. I personally don't think it's as scary as part one, but it has memorable characters and some of the best kills of the entire franchise. Of course, it's also where Freddy begins to transition from legit boogeyman to wisecrackin' sass machine ("Welcome to prime time, bitch!," et. al.) Is that fun or kinda tedious? I might vote for the latter, but I guess anything that ultimately gave birth to such top-notch merchandising as Freddy bubble gum can't be all bad.