Movie Morsels, Pt. 7

Okay, so I am way way behind on this little exercise, and although I know that it matters to literally no one else, I said I would do it and so I must finish. However, with such a massive backlog of movies to get through, I will now be offering my thoughts in even smaller little fun-sized morsels -- 1 to 3 sentences, max -- in part so I can catch up and finally finish, and in part because I'm now beginning to forget the details of some of these films. 

The good news is that this started out as a way for me to kickstart my writing, and I have been writing quite a bit more than usual, so hooray! And now, onward...

EUROVISION SONG CONTEST: THE STORY OF FIRE SAGA (2020): A silly Will Ferrell comedy that is basically Blades of Glory but with pop music instead of figure skating, and Rachel McAdams in the Jon Heder role. I had no idea that Eurovision could be so bonkers, so that led me down a fun YouTube rabbit hole. I enjoyed myself and it made me feel better when I was sick.

FYRE FRAUD (2019) / FYRE: THE GREATEST PARTY THAT NEVER HAPPENED (2018): I can't remember which one was which, or which one I preferred. I think it was the one where the dude said he was prepared to blow the dude for bottled water. There is basically no reason to watch these at this point, since Fyre Festival jokes have become so integrated into the zeitgeist that it feels redundant, but again, I was sick, so I figured "now or nevs." Only watch if you're prepared to spend 90+ minutes with the most annoying people on the planet.

THE BUBBLE (2022): I was hungry for another silly comedy so I went with this Judd Apatow joint about movie making during the pandemic. Again, I enjoyed myself, but I can barely remember what happened at this point. Hijinks...of some sort...ensued? Keegan-Michael Key flew a helicopter? I do remember it felt a little long. Seems perfect for watching if you're sick or on a plane or something.

WE HAVE ALWAYS LIVED IN THE CASTLE (2018): The Shirley Jackson novel on which this is based is one of my favorites, so I had high hopes and low expectations, but I was pleasantly surprised. I loved it! And I thought I had heard it wasn't very good, so now I'm wondering where I heard that and whether it came from a fellow lover of the book or not. If you're not familiar with Shirley Jackson this movie might feel very slow and odd. I thought it captured the tone admirably, and I liked the cast.

RUSSIAN DOLL, Season 2 (2022): After that kinda perfect first season, this was a bit of a let down. I will always enjoy Natasha Lyonne (please, cast her in a biopic of Poison Ivy from the Cramps before it's too late!), but the season felt a little disjointed to me. I do love watching her sleuth and smoke, I just wish it were in service to a more cohesive story.

WILD WILD COUNTRY (2018): Yo, I forgot I watched this! See what I mean?! I must crank these out faster! My takeaway was similar to the Fyre Festival docs: Everyone onscreen annoyed me. But I figured, as long as I'm at it, I might as well check out...

HOLY HELL (2016): I preferred this to Wild Wild Country, even though they're both about annoying cults, probably because this was a movie and not a multi-episode series, therefore I was forced to spend less time with said annoying cult leader(s). I've always been concerned that I might inadvertently join a cult. Anyone who's ever taken a yoga class in Los Angeles can probably relate.

CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954): The Creature is so beleaguered and lumbering; basically, it's underwater Frankenstein. That being said, the underwater shots are so cool, and this is probably a great movie to watch with a tiki cocktail. I would love a Black Lagoon-themed swimming pool with a grotto and a swim-up bar. Wouldn't that be so sick? 

CRUELLA (2021): This is another one that I thought I would hate but I actually enjoyed. I don't know what I heard about it initially, but a friend recommended it and she was right. It was cool to see Emma Stone swan around London in those costumes. I never thought I would hear "I Wanna Be Your Dog" in a Disney movie. If you liked Maleficent (I did), there's no reason you won't like this.

THE BLACKWELL GHOST 6 (2022): Have you heard of the Blackwell Ghost movies? They're very simple, and often very short, found footage and I honestly have no idea how much of what's on screen is true and how much is fiction. I mean, I'm assuming (?!) the paranormal stuff is fake, but...is that the filmmaker/lead actor's real wife? I don't knowwwww! Anyhow, my dude positively cranks these out (six already and more to come, I hope!) and I really recommend them if you like found footage and you scare easily at the sight of, like, a door opening by itself. If you like that kind of thing, this is gold. 

REVENGE OF THE CREATURE (1955) / THE CREATURE WALKS AMONG US (1956): I don't remember these at all, sorry. I love the Creature but I as I recall the sequels just get increasingly frustrating in terms of his mistreatment and it sucks! Poor Creatch! I think The Creature Walks Among Us is the one where they make him live on land and wear human clothes. I guess that one is worth a watch, if only for the 1950s forced conformity weirdness of it all. TBH these are probably fine with the sound off, or maybe I was just feeling salty that day.

THE EXORCIST (1973): Obviously I've seen this movie a million times, but sometimes you just get a craving. Nothing less than a perfect film. My favorite scene is when Ellen Burstyn walks through an autumnal Georgetown while "Tubular Bells" plays and she passes a group of trick-or-treaters and then a couple of nuns, their robes streaming in the breeze. It's so creepy and beautiful. 

Movie Morsels, Pt. 6

 

THE SECRET OF CRICKLEY HALL (2012): So I needed something kinda involving but not too complicated to watch because I was sick, and I settled on this low-key intriguing British haunted house two-parter on Hulu. After a woman's young child goes missing, she and her family move into a country estate where she hears him calling to her from beyond the grave. But is it really him?! This just the kind of thing to watch if you're sick or on a plane or a train or something: A little spooky but not too scary, a little sad but not completely devastating, involving enough to be watchable but you won't be heartbroken if you get interrupted. Not too shabby!

THE MUMMY (1932)/THE MUMMY'S HAND (1940): Universal monster movies are cinematic comfort food for horror fans. So slow-paced and soothing. The original Mummy is a masterpiece, even if it does follow the same basic plot as Dracula. I threw in The Mummy's Hand here for good measure because, while I did watch it, I barely remember it. Needs more Karloff. 

MOANA (2016): I am so behind on my Disney/Pixar animated movies that this was a first-time watch for me. Again, I needed something cute, comforting, not too grim or alarming. This is all of those things, plus heartwarming, and with a heaping helping of Lin-Manuel Miranda songs. 

LUCA (2021): In retrospect I guess I put together a little seaside double feature by watching Luca and Moana in quick succession. This tale of a young sea creature who wants to hang out on the land but feels like he has to hide his true nature is very sweet and a total metaphor for queerness, so...perfect for pride month? Also, it's set in Italy, and anything Italian is ideal for watching on warm summer days. 

RETURN TO OZ (1985): Nightmarish is an understatement. From the Wheelers who chase Dorothy on all fours to the evil princess who keeps a collection of heads in glass display cases so she can swap out her noggin at will, this movie is so full of surreal and disturbing imagery that it is a genuine wonder anyone ever shows it to little kids. (Do they?!) I mean, the whole reason Dorothy returns to Oz is because she's institutionalized and given electroshock therapy! I know the first film is kinda dark too, but really this is closer to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest than it is to "Follow the Yellow Brick Road." (Disclaimer: I have not read the books that provide the source material, but I think I've heard that this adaptation is actually pretty accurate?) Anyhow, none of this is a criticism. Return to Oz is cool and you should totally check it out if you haven't seen it. Just be prepared!

JASPER MALL (2020): A documentary about a once-bustling mall dying a slow death in a small American town as the economy flounders and malls themselves are cast into the dustbin of history, thanks in large part to the Internet and online shopping, this is a strangely affecting and fairly poignant snapshot of what feels like the end of an era. I wouldn't say I miss going to malls exactly, but it is interesting to think about how prominent they were when I was a kid vs. how completely obsolete they feel now. But hey, being online means that not only can we buy anything imaginable in mere minutes, we also have easy access to all the pornography, memes, and cute cat videos we could ever want. How could malls ever hope to compete?!

Movie Morsels, Pt. 5

 

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER (1988)/A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD (1989): So originally I had planned to do a rewatch of the entire Elm Street franchise, but after revisiting these two I was suffering from serious Freddy fatigue and had to scrap the rest of the series. Just as well, honestly, because apart from New Nightmare (which has plenty of fans, although it's not really my cup of tea), the rest of the films aren't that interesting. I combined these two because they sort of blur together in my mind. If you like quippy Freddy, this is probably the apex of the series for you. Me, I prefer my Freddy on the stoic side. Different strokes.

THE HALLOW (2015): This is a cool Irish folk horror/creature feature about evil faeries. Some moments of real suspense. Lots of baby-in-peril stuff. What's not to like? 

THE THING (1982): I love John Carpenter, but while I grew up watching Halloween and The Fog, I've only seen The Thing a handful of times. This was the first time I ever saw it on a big screen, in a brand new 4K restoration at an American Cinematheque screening (yay, living in Los Angeles). It looked incredible and I enjoy this movie more every time I watch it. This might be good counter-programming for the hot summer days to come. Doesn't Antarctica look sooooo icy and refreshing?

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S (1989): I had made it this far in my life without ever seeing Weekend at Bernie's. Why did I decide to watch this? I don't know. I guess because so much of what we watch is bleak and/or anxiety-inducing that we've recently started dipping our toes into the dumbest, broadest comedies we can find. It's a nice palate cleanser tbh. I can't pretend I hated this movie. If you like corpse comedy, this will be your jam. Side note: Corpse comedy deserves its own subgenre.

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II (1993): No, I take that back -- corpse comedy does not deserve its own subgenre. I really have no excuse as to why I watched this, apart from a perverse compulsion to be a completist. This is a much more mean-spirited film than the first. Andrew McCarthy's character is a sociopath. The voodoo element adds nothing. The funniest part is probably that they were pretentious enough to use the Roman numeral "II" in the title. I mean, they're not even at Bernie's place this time, so the title is a total misnomer. Truly, this film lives up to its negative hype. 

SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER (1993): Pure coincidence that we watched two comedies from 1993 back to back. As a lifelong fan of Wayne's World, I have a fondness for Mike Myers' '90s output, but this didn't really hold up for me. Again, kind of felt mean-spirited rather than fun and lighthearted. Example: Why was Scottish dad so abusive toward his large-headed son? I mean, really. Is this what we thought was funny in the nineties? Drunk dads screaming at their families? (Oh, shit...The Simpsons...Married with Children...yeah, I guess we thought that was pretty fucking funny. Damn, we had some shit to work through!) 

Movie Morsels, Pt. 4

 

EXPLORER: THE LAST TEPUI (2022): I watched this because I'm a fan of Alex Honnold, who you'll certainly remember if you've watched the documentary Free Solo -- he's a rock climber who famously scales his conquests without any ropes or safety gear. As someone with a lifelong fear of/fascination with heights, I have to say Free Solo is one of the most terrifying movies I've ever seen and I highly recommend it. Well, he climbs with ropes here. In fact, this isn't really an Alex Honnold movie at all; it's about a biologist who is no longer able to physically make the treacherous trip to discover new animal species on a cliff side deep in the Amazon jungle, and the climbers who are tasked with trying to get him up there anyway. Loved the scenery, but I can probably name half a dozen other climbing documentaries I'd recommend before this one. For Honnold completists only.

THE UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF MASSIVE TALENT (2022): This is that meta comedy where Nic Cage plays (a fictionalized version of?) Nic Cage. I thought it was really cute and sweet and good-natured. Honestly, I laughed more at this movie than I have at any new comedy in ages. It's silly and fun.

THE NORTHMAN (2022): I enjoyed The Witch (still haven't seen The Lighthouse), so I was certainly interested in director Robert Eggers' take on Norse mythology, but something about this movie never quite gelled for me. I know it was supposed to feel like this huge, magnificent epic, but I was never fully engaged. Is this a "me" problem? I don't know. But Alexander Skarsgård's abs just weren't enough to carry me through.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984): What can I say? An absolute classic. I still think it's really scary, and Tina's death is so brutal. Like many first installments of horror franchises, it's a lot more subtle than it's given credit for. I'll leave it at that -- it's Nightmare on Elm Street, fer chrissakes; I have to imagine I'm preaching to the choir here.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE (1985): Here it is, just in time for Pride Month, the slasher with the queer subtext so pronounced that it's basically just regular text! Honestly, I did not grow up watching this movie (or any of the NOES sequels, for that matter -- as a kid I was always a first-installment-only bitch), so I've only seen it a handful of times. I think I like it more every time I watch it though. I know it's not really in line with the rest of the franchise, but I enjoy the possession angle, and it's cool to have a Final Boy for a change. Makes me sad when the bird blows up though.

LIVID (2011): A cool French movie from the directors of the notorious Inside (which I have not seen, because it sounds too brutal for me). I dug the haunted house setting and the spooky ballerinas -- from Suspiria to Black Swan, I love me a spooky-ass ballerina. I watched this on Shudder but I think it's gone now. If you get a chance, check it out; it has a sort of dreamy, Guillermo Del Toro-ish quality, and the ending is very strange. I suppose you could call it a fairy tale.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS (1987): I have to be honest: I think this is probably the last great Nightmare movie. (More on that in a later installment of Movie Morsels.) Many people consider this their favorite Nightmare movie, in fact, and while it's not mine, I can see why. I personally don't think it's as scary as part one, but it has memorable characters and some of the best kills of the entire franchise. Of course, it's also where Freddy begins to transition from legit boogeyman to wisecrackin' sass machine ("Welcome to prime time, bitch!," et. al.) Is that fun or kinda tedious? I might vote for the latter, but I guess anything that ultimately gave birth to such top-notch merchandising as Freddy bubble gum can't be all bad.

Movie Morsels, Pt. 3

DEAD & BURIED (1981): I'm a little behind in my review writing, so forgive me if some of the details are no longer completely fresh in my mind. I'd been meaning to watch this one for some time, and seeing the trailer every week at Cinematic Void's Horror by the Water screenings really pushed it to the top of my list. I would say this movie is similar in tone to other early '80s horror movies set in cemeteries/morgues -- specifically moves like One Dark Night, Mortuary and Mausoleum. I imagine that little trend was kind of kicked off by Phantasm, and has its modern-day equivalent in something like The Autopsy of Jane Doe. Anyhow, if you like the really specific vibe of very early '80s funereal horror, this fits in nicely and would make an excellent double feature with any of the aforementioned titles.

JUBILEE (1978): This is a movie that I've been meaning to watch forever, since I dig '70s British punk rock, but it kind of fell flat for me. It has the same sort of filthy British punk vibes of Sid and Nancy or The Young Ones, like where everything is gray and dirty and gross. I was happy to see Little Nell in something other than Rocky Horror, and Adam Ant was maybe at the peak of his cuteness. Overall though I found the nihilistic punk characters more irritating than provocative, and kind of just came away feeling vaguely annoyed. Maybe I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. 

I WANT YOU BACK (2022): Jenny Slate has proven to be a pretty good bet when it comes to contemporary rom coms, and here she and Charlie Day from It's Always Sunny star as two people whose despair at being broken up with leads them to form an unusual bond. This was a throwback -- predictable, pleasant, funny, not too mean-spirited. I don't have much to say but I did enjoy watching it. I chuckled.

THRASHIN' (1986): Josh Brolin is a James Dean on four wheels in this fun and silly skatesploitation flick. Just remember, if anyone ever asks you what you thrash, the correct answer is, "Whaddya got?" 

THE FOG (1980): One of my very favorite John Carpenter movies since I was a child. I love everything about this movie: The seaside setting, the backstory of the leper ghosts (they're not pirates!), the quintessentially Carpenter synth score, Jamie Lee Curtis' overwhelming attraction to a mustache-less Tom Atkins, the cameos from Debra Hill and JC himself. I was so excited to finally see it in a theater, again thanks to Cinematic Void, and in a beautiful 4K restoration, no less. When you're enjoying your next stomach pounder and a Coke, don't forget to pour a little out for Mrs. Kobritz -- RIP to a real one.

MARS ATTACKS! (1996): You ever take so long to see a movie that it starts to feel like a matter of your personal identity? Like, people are always like, "Oh, you've never seen Mars Attacks?" I mean, my own husband has been saying this to me for years. Finally he was like, "Why haven't you seen Mars Attacks?" and I was like, "Because it's just never come up! Do you feel like we should watch Mars Attacks together?" And that, my friends, is how I came to finally watch Mars Attacks. What's that? What did I think? Oh yeah, it was fine! I neither liked nor disliked it. I feel like one was the appropriate amount of viewings. That being said, I may have missed the cultural moment attendant to this particular film. But I did spend a lot of time watching and rewatching Drew Barrymore lose her shit in Mad Love around this time, so if you want to talk about mid-'90s cinema with me, I'd suggest you start there. (P.S. I have also never seen Independence Day all the way through.)

THEY LIVE INSIDE US (2020): I watched this because I absolutely adore the little Halloween tone poems, called "Halloween Atmospheres," that Witching Season Films put on their YouTube channel. They are like the opening credits to Halloween 4 but for like 15 minutes each. Anyhow, I thought there were some cool shots in this, but it didn't completely come together for me as a narrative. Still, they have a great eye (eyes?) and I look forward to checking out their next feature soon.

Okay, well, I have 36 more reviews in the pipeline. So, uh...stick around, or don't. Either way, you know what to expect!

Movie Morsels, Pt. 2

HELLBENDER (2021): This is a really cool little folk horror/witch movie entirely written, produced, directed, acted in & filmed by a real life family (mom, dad and two daughters) called the Adams Family. How cool would it be to make movies with your family?! Anyhow, it's about a teenage girl who lives a completely isolated life in the woods with her cool ass mom, and they have a really rad two-piece band, but then she starts to wonder about life in the outside world, as kids do, and it kind of all goes to hell(bender) from there. Sabrina she ain't. I enjoyed this slow-burn indie a lot. It lingers.

DEATH RINK (2019): I watched this because it's a slasher movie set at a roller rink. I try to make it a point not to talk shit on films I don't like, especially if they're independently made, so I'll just say that there was precious little skatin' and precious little slashin' in this roller skate slasher. Points for location, though. 

FRENCH KISS (1995): Remember the whole "nineties Meg Ryan movies are my cinematic comfort food" thing? This was a particular favorite of mine back in the day, and I was pleasantly surprised by how well it held up for me. Kevin Kline is kind of a left-field pick for the mustachioed, cigarette smoking, amoral Frenchman who sweeps Meggers off her feet after she travels to France to win back her wayward fiancé, but they do have chemistry and this movie is cute. Désolée, pas désolée, as they say.

ADDICTED TO LOVE (1997): Next up in my Meg Ryan journey, this rom com where she plays against type as a hard-assed, scooter-riding, eyeliner-and-animal-print-wearing NYC woman bent on revenge after her boyfriend leaves her for another woman is a real treat. She and the new gal's ex-boyfriend (Matthew Broderick, striking a tone somewhere in between charming smart-ass Ferris Bueller & the neurotic obsessive he plays in Election) start squatting in the decaying building across the street so they can engage in totally normal rom com behavior like spying on their exes via camera obscura, collecting cockroaches for a future revenge stunt, and sneaking into their apartment to put on their exes' clothes and have sex. It's kinda dark as far as Meg Ryan rom coms go, and again, this totally held up for me. 

YOU'VE GOT MAIL (1998): Oh man. Okay, so You've Got Mail has always been a tough one for me. On one hand, I love the Nora Ephron-ness of it all: Autumn in New York, Meg in super conservative high-necked granny clothes, cute one-liners, the gentle pace. On the other hand, Tom Hanks' character is a super prick in this movie, and the ensuing years have only made me hate him and what he does to Meg's cute little kids bookstore -- that she inherited from her sweetie pie of a late mother, no less! -- even more. I like this movie, I guess, but it's hard to watch, and it's hard for me to believe that these characters would actually start a full-fledged relationship with one another, let alone sustain one for any length of time. Maybe Meggers' interest in Tom's character is actually just a ruse and she takes the first opportunity to pour some poison in his ear while he sleeps or something. A girl can dream.

THE SCARY OF SIXTY-FIRST (2020): I watched this mainly because of the baffling title, and because I was like, "Wha...? It's about...Jeffrey Epstein? Or something?" 80 minutes later I felt like I'd emerged from one of those accidental Internet rabbit holes you fall down sometimes where you start out reading someone's Instagram comments and then you end up on some weird flat-earther/qanon forum and you're like, Damn, people believe this shit?! Also the title is never really explained. Like, I still don't get why "scary" is used as a noun. Anyway, I feel like maybe I'm either too dumb or not dumb enough for this edgelordy business.

ALISON'S BIRTHDAY (1981): Weird little Australian occult film that starts with a schoolgirl Ouija board seance and ends with a kind of Wicker Man-meets-Rosemary's Baby situation. It was a little predictable--like, how blatantly sinister are Alison's aunt and uncle?--but I still enjoyed the ride. If you're into folk horror movies (this is one of the films in the All the Haunts Be Ours box set), I think you'll like this one.

Movie Morsels, Pt. 1

Here's a little rundown on some movies I've watched lately. Again, there is no rhyme or reason to my selections. This is just my honest assessment of the movies I've been watching, as I watch them. More soon!

SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE (1993): I don't always watch rom-coms, but a certain breed of rom-com -- namely, anything Meg Ryan starred in between 1989 and 1998 -- is 100% cinematic comfort food to me. When Harry Met Sally... is the best of 'em, but since I've revisited that one fairly recently (and do so pretty regularly), I had a hankering to dip into my other erstwhile favorites starring Meggers, beginning with this gentle tearjerker. Much has been made in the ensuing years of Meg's pursuit of Tom Hanks' widower character, since she, you know, basically stalks him, but you know what? It works for me. They are MFEO. I buy it. An unfortunate throwaway line about "transvestites" has not aged well. Still, for a nearly 30-year-old romance in which the two main characters never kiss and barely say more than a few words to each other, this holds up. Extra points for the babysitter who looks like a young Shelley Duvall, and for being set in Seattle in the '90s without even hinting at the existence of grunge. I mean, can you imagine Nora Ephron writing a Kurt and Courtney meet cute? CAN YOU!? Now I wanna see that.

CARNIVAL OF SOULS (1962): I saw this on 35mm at an actual movie theater, thanks to the geniuses at Cinematic Void and their Horror By the Water series. I've always dug this movie, but I feel like it made more sense to me this time than on previous viewings. Before, I would get hung up on the languid dream-like rhythm and lose track of the plot. This time, everything hung together and felt cohesive. I love that the main character is a church organist who doesn't believe in God or religion. "It's just a job to me." A woman who is disconnected on every level: From the friends she shares a car with in the film's opening scene, to the man in her boarding house who she reluctantly dates because she doesn't want to be alone. But the best part is still the salt-streaked seaside setting, and the hollow-eyed ghouls that pursue our heroine, arms outstretched, as she stumbles through the scenery, pulled toward something unnameable and unknowable.

YOU WON'T BE ALONE (2022): If most movies are novels, or at least short stories, this Macedonian film is a poem. It's not about what happens so much as it's about how it makes you feel as you accompany a shapeshifting young witch who yearns for a human life. I liked it, but I will probably never watch it again. It felt long, and it made me sad. But it was beautifully filmed -- the scenery in particular is often breathtaking -- and well-executed. I would recommend it to anyone who is intrigued by the premise, but if you're looking for a thrill-a-minute spookshow, this ain't it. This is more like The Witch on quaaludes. 

GONJIAM: HAUNTED ASYLUM (2018): Korean found footage horror about a group of ghost hunters who visit the titular haunted asylum so they can live stream the experience. As a found footage lover, I had a great time. There's nothing particularly groundbreaking here, but it did have its share of creepy moments, and I loved the setting.

WARNING: DO NOT PLAY (2019): Another Korean gem available to watch on Shudder, this is one of those movies with an "intrepid to a fault" protagonist who feels compelled to discover The Terrifying Truth at any cost. In this case, that Terrifying Truth concerns the legend of a cursed horror film, which the main character becomes obsessed with while procrastinating work on her own film. Relatable! Plus I love watching characters investigate. Typing into search bars on their laptops, checking their phones, going on little road trips, tricking strangers into giving them information...hell yeah! This movie has a ton of that and I find it so soothing. I found the ending to be a little muddled but I still recommend it overall.

MESSIAH OF EVIL (1973): Another Cinematic Void "Horror By the Water" screening. I'd seen this twice before, and every time I watch it I enjoy it a little bit more. It is so '70s -- the clothes, the interior design, the deeply questionable sexual politics -- and feels less like a movie and more like an actual nightmare. A woman visits a mysterious seaside town to find her missing father and discovers that the place is overrun with flesh-eating ghouls. There are two really great creepy sequences in this film that are pretty famous among genre enthusiasts: One in a grocery store, and on in a movie theater. It's also full of weird little '70s details, like a bed suspended from the ceiling by chains, a bathtub wedged into the corner of a bathroom, and a tonally-inappropriate theme song that plays over both the opening and closing credits. This movie exists in its own universe, and I love it for that.

TONY HAWK: UNTIL THE WHEELS FALL OFF (2022): Even if you know nothing about skateboarding, you know Tony Hawk. But like...do you really know Tony Hawk? Watching this documentary now, with my fresh (roller) skater eyes, I get what compels people to keep trying something over and over again, even though 95% of skating is falling (and Tony falls...a lot, and sometimes pretty badly). I've never been into team sports, but this kind of sport, where it's like you're on a personal quest to overcome your own physical and mental limitations? I can get into that. Skating takes some physical skill, sure, but so much of it is persistence and bravery, and that willingness to fall. I'm trying to take that spirit into my own skating, and into my own life. Even if you have no interest in putting wheels of any sort under your feet, there's probably something here that will inspire you.

Post-Pandemmy Update

 

Hi. It's been a long time.

Somewhat fittingly, my last post was in January 2020, shortly before the world changed. Needless to say, I've had very little to write about in the way of events since the pandemic began, and very little motivation to try to write about anything else. My depression, always a low whisper in the background, became a scream. But the scream ebbed and flowed -- I've been busy since March 2020, if not productive. How has your pandemic been? In addition to not dying of covid, here are a few (positive) things that have happened to me:

• My husband and I, as Black Lullabies, recorded a few new songs together after a long, long hiatus from creating new music. We also filmed the music video embedded above, for our song "Crown Shyness."
• I wrote a short screenplay called "Moon-Sick," which I took to a few film festivals, including Shriekfest (see me interviewed on the red carpet here) and Hollywood Horrorfest, where it won the award for Best Werewolf Short Script.
• After a lifetime of physical inactivity and struggles with my body image, I took up rollerskating (mostly park and street skating) and, later in the pandemic, aerial fitness. Both disciplines have completely changed my outlook on myself as a physical being, as well as my approach to setting and achieving goals. The feeling of finally learning a skate trick or an aerial move that I've been trying for months is unlike anything else I've experienced. I've also learned to fall -- both metaphorically and quite literally -- and how, if you do it enough, it's not a big deal. No, more than that: It's a necessity. It's part of the process. It's fun!
• I watched a lot of movies. 

Now, I'm trying to write again, and since nothing helps me punch through the frozen crust on the iced-over pond of my creativity quite like movie reviews, this blog felt like a natural forum for my musings. 

Before I get into it, a few caveats:

• Not all reviews will be horror movies. Many will be, because that's what I like to watch, but I do watch other things as well.
• Not all reviews will be of new movies. Many will even be of movies that I, myself, have watched more than once. I just want to get into the flow of writing again, and of sharing my writing with that great void that is the internet.
• Most reviews will be relatively short capsule reviews. I'm not anticipating any 5,000 word essays here. Then again, who knows what will happen? This post is already far longer than I imagined it would be.
• I will try to avoid the most egregious spoilers, but no promises. 

With all that being said, if anyone still reads this blog, I'm happy to have you along for this ride, for as long as it lasts. Hope you're still feelin' spooky.

Spooky List: Best Horror of the '10s

It's 2020, spookies. A new year, a new decade...onto the next one! I fear I would be remiss, however, to let the '10s dwindle to a speck in the rearview without a quick rundown of the best our favorite genre had to offer in the past ten years.

This has been a very provocative time for horror - a true renaissance, I think, with some of the most interesting films this side of the '70s. Even if you don't agree with all of my choices, you have to admit that these filmmakers took a swing and tried something fresh, even if it didn't always connect for you personally.

Without further ado, here are my picks - in chronological order - of the Best Horror of the 2010s.

• Black Swan (2010) - The best balletic body horror this side of Suspiria, this movie made Natalie Portman an Oscar winner and gave Winona Ryder perhaps her first notable (albeit small) post-shoplifting role. It somehow managed to be simultaneously weird, arty, sexy, gross, kinda pretentious, dour, and fun, setting an admirably schizophrenic tone for the decade to come.
• The Cabin in the Woods (2011) - The Scream syndrome - that postmodern, self-referential quality that worked so well in the 1996 slasher but proved to have diminishing returns in countless less intelligent ripoffs - reached its logical conclusion with this clever-but-actually-clever horror-comedy. The last 15 minutes or so are an orgy of virtually every horror trope of the last 30 years and the effect is so bananas that the ending doesn't feel nearly as bleak as it is.
• The Lords of Salem (2012) - I remember this one being widely maligned when it first came out, but the subsequent years have been kind to it and now the general consensus seems to be that this is one of Rob Zombie's best, up there with The Devil's Rejects. Lords was one of the first witch flicks in what proved to be a VERY witchy decade, and it was filmed entirely in Salem, MA to boot. Let's just say I went from trying to convince people that this movie was actually pretty good to attending a screening here in Los Angeles where it was programmed as a double feature with Hocus Pocus - which, if you think about it, is totally perfect.
• WNUF Halloween Special (2013) - A found footage flick that has more in common with British TV movie Ghostwatch than it does with The Blair Witch Project, this deliciously nostalgic throwback gets every detail perfect as it recreates a (fictional, natch) '80s TV broadcast in which a local reporter investigates a haunted house on Halloween night. This has become a seasonal staple in our household.
• What We Do in the Shadows (2014) - It has since spawned a spinoff TV series (also great, and about to unveil its second season in April 2020!), but when this mockumentary debuted all I really knew about it was that it had Flight of the Conchords' Jemaine Clement as a vampire. So thank you for that, What We Do in the Shadows, and thank you for introducing me to Taika Waititi, but most of all, thank you for the best explanation I've ever heard of why vampires prefer to drink the blood of virgins: "I think of it like this: If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it."

• It Follows (2014) - Moody, pretty, uncomfortable, temporally ambiguous, and with a great Carpenteresque synth score from Disasterpeace, this "cursed sex is gonna getcha!" story may have had a few holes here and there in its mythology, but no one can deny its aesthetics or atmosphere. Plays like a weird dream, and I mean that as a compliment.
• As Above So Below (2014) - I sat on this one for a while 'cause I heard it wasn't that great, and now I can't stop watching it. It's basically a Tomb Raider-y adventure movie, but it's set - and at least partially filmed - in the Parisian catacombs, so it's spooky too. Also, it's found footage, which for me is a plus.
• The Houses October Built (2014) - Another found footage movie, this one is about Halloween haunts gone wrong - another theme that would come to be used quite a bit over the course of the decade, but Houses October Built did it first. As a haunt enthusiast, this film positively tickled me. 
• A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014) - This black-and-white film about about a skateboarding burqa-clad bloodsucker from Ana Lily Amirpour has the same elegiac us-against-the-world quality as, say, Let the Right One In, but set in Iran and with a feminist slant. Sad and romantic as only the best vampire stories can be.
•  The Witch (2015) - I was a bit disappointed with this one on first viewing, as I had fallen victim to those classic "Scariest movie IN DECADES!" press quotes - plus, I'd had a key moment spoiled for me - but it grew in my estimation the longer it marinated in my mind. I'm sure you've seen it (or at least heard all about it) by now, but just in case I'll try to avoid spoilers, so I'll just say: There was one brief, jarring moment involving a raven that was one of the most chilling images I witnessed at the movies in the past ten years. And oh, that ending!

• The Blackcoat's Daughter (2015) - I love recommending this movie to people, as so few have seen or even heard of it, given that it never really got a proper theatrical release. It's a real shame too, because this boarding school-set debut from director Osgood Perkins (son of Anthony, aka Norman Bates, my forever crush) is slow, eerie, and diabolical, with a properly skin-crawling score from Oz's brother Elvis Perkins and another pitch perfect ending. (Note: I consider the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre to have perhaps the finest ending of any horror film ever, if you need a barometer by which to judge my taste.)
• Crimson Peak (2015) - Left me a little lukewarm at first, but this is another grower-not-a-shower. (Also helps when you realize that the film is less a straightforward horror flick and more of a Gothic romance, albeit one with a couple of moments of absolutely stomach-churning violence.) Probably my favorite from Guillermo del Toro. Basically a feature-length version of "Women With Great Hair Fleeing Gothic Houses," and I ain't mad at it.
• Hell House LLC (2015) - Yes, yes, another found footage movie (told you I like 'em!), and another movie set in a Halloween haunt. BUT, what if I told you there were scary clowns? Wait, wait! I mean...actually scary? No wise-cracking quips, no demented circus music. Just darkness. And stillness. And one...single...clown, standing where he shouldn't be. Where he couldn't be. And that, my spookies, is why I liked Hell House LLC.
• Krampus (2015) - Michael Dougherty really loves those holiday horrors. And guess what? So do I. They're just so goddamn festive! From the twisted mind that brought you Trick 'r Treat comes this (very) loose take on the Krampus mythology. Stop looking for accurate folklore and give in to the pleasures of homicidal gingerbread men armed with nail guns and there's a lot to love here. Mr. Spooky and I try to watch this one every Christmas Eve. Note: This is the first of two movies on this list starring the inimitable Toni Collette as a frayed-nerve matriarch! Fun!
• The Neon Demon (2016) - A movie about the utter rot that lurks beneath the surface of glamour, and the biggest complaint I've heard from detractors is that it's all style and no substance? Sounds perfect to me! One of two 2016 flicks featuring America's sweetheart Keanu Reeves playing against type as a repulsive villain (see also: Ana Lily Amirpour's postapocalyptic romp The Bad Batch), this pretty, nasty little film also boasts what is perhaps the grossest sex scene of the decade. Enjoy! 

• The Love Witch (2016) - It's not often that we get a female auteur as thorough as Anna Biller, but 2016 blessed us with this ultra-feminine fever dream of a witch film, and director Biller was involved with every aspect of her opus, from script and editing down to costume design, hooking the rugs by hand, and even painting the film's artwork herself. I wrote a bit about what this film means to me over on Death & the Maiden. Go into this one with a wide-open mind, let yourself settle into the tone, and prepare to be visually stunned. 
• Get Out (2017) - I mean, it's only the most socially incisive movie to come out of the decade, and the best horror movie of 2017, no big deal. You have definitely seen this by now - what more can I say? It's important, it's multilayered, and don't forget that the last 20 minutes or so are also wild, cathartic fun. Jordan Peele rules. 
• The Ritual (2017) - This movie came out of nowhere and then suddenly popped up on Netflix and made rural Sweden seem like the scariest place on earth. (You're welcome, Ari Aster.) Somehow managed to breathe new life into both the folk horror subgenre and the good old-fashioned creature feature. Also, did I mention it's actually pretty scary?
• Hereditary (2018) - ...and speaking of scary - and our aforementioned pal Ari Aster - here's my personal pick for the most frightening film of the decade. This movie disturbed me in ways that nothing has in ages. Again, I'm sure you've seen it, but just in case you haven't (and you've managed to avoid spoilers for this long...), I won't ruin it here. All I'll say is, there is a scene that will devastate you, and you will absolutely know it when it happens. And also, Toni Collette is magnificent. And Jesus Christ, that ending. I actually hesitated to recommend this one to people even though I loved it because I thought it might be too disturbing. Oh, and I own the Bluray but I've been too scared to rewatch it. It may not be perfect, but when this movie is effective, it's almost too effective. 
• Mandy (2018) - And, finally, my picks end as they began: With another arty, trippy, kinda pretentious, and totally fun blast of utter weirdness in the form of this drug-fueled revenge film starring man/myth/legend Nicolas Cage at his Cagiest. SEE! Nic Cage express his grief while guzzling booze and wearing tighty-whities in a bathroom! HEAR! Nic Cage snort all the cocaine in the world before gearing up for a chainsaw fight! FEEL! Your soul leave your body because maybe you ate too much of the edible but oh wait, that's just the movie! 

And there you have it. What a wild, witchy, occult-fueled decade this was. Let's hope this spirit continues well into the roaring '20s and beyond!

REVIEW: Queen Mary's Dark Harbor 2019

This Halloween season is going to be a little different for me; namely, I will be out of town -- in fact, out of the country -- on Halloween. And while that's terribly exciting, it's also put a bit of a damper on all of my usual October traditions: I simply don't have the time to do everything this year! So that makes hitting up an old standby like Queen Mary's Dark Harbor all the more important. Now in its tenth year, Dark Harbor 2019 is a bit like creepy comfort food: Reliably awesome, if unsurprising.

Overall, Dark Harbor hasn't changed that much from last year, when I proclaimed it to be a veritable maritime mind-blower. But I do have to admit that the tweaks, while subtle, weren't exactly for the better. Gone is the ice bar - not a deal-breaker, but a fun touch that I missed. There is only one new maze for 2019, and the returning mazes seemed a bit shorter this year. Still, I had a great time, and would heartily recommend Dark Harbor to anyone who has yet to check it out, or who hasn't been in a while.