REVIEW: Angel of Light (DTLA)

You're on a busy street in downtown Los Angeles. The evenings have just begun to cool after weeks, months of summer heat. All around you are noises, traffic, neon. A woman walks by with two enormous pit bulls straining on their leashes; across the street, a man is yelling, and you can't tell whether the person he's arguing with is on the street or in his head. You're carrying your orange jack o'lantern purse and a toddler in a stroller rolls by, pointing at your bag and gleefully repeating the Spanish word for "pumpkin" to his mother. You smile. 

Finally, the line starts to move. You're ushered into the lavish lobby of the Los Angeles Theater, perhaps the most opulent and eerie of the old movie palaces that haunt Broadway. You are enamored of the chandeliers dripping crystal, of the impossibly high, ornately carved ceilings, of the red velvet stairs that waterfall down from the floor above and end at your feet. If this theatre were to ask, you think, you would be its Jack Torrance. 

The lighting casts the room into candy-colored swaths of purple, blue, and red, like you're in a giallo, and ahead of you another staircase leads down into shadow. Ambient noise pulsates, menacing. People clad in Art Deco-era finery are tableau-still on the stairs and in the middle of the room. Suddenly, the noise swells, fills the grand space, and everyone puts their hands to their ears, grimacing and shrieking, as though there is something in the sound that might drive them to madness, or has already. 

And then, down the staircase. Into shadow. Into the candlelit catacombs, and beyond.

You find yourself at a cocktail party, and excuse yourself to use the restroom, but the powder room with its floor-to-ceiling silver mirrors disorients you, and there is a dark figure standing stone-still at the end of the row of stalls. On your way back to the party, you follow a red glow to a low-ceilinged room painted to look like the inside of a circus tent, and before you can return to the party you witness strange men do strange things, as strange men often do. 

Telephones ring. You answer one, and a voice whispers and growls, makes animal noises. A shoe shine glides toward you, then away, and you're not sure if he's threatening you or completely unaware of your presence. From behind etched glass, faces loom and leer. And all the while that sound drones, swells, retreats, repeats. 

You're in the theater itself now, facing the stage. Creatures, cloaked and masked, thread their way between the rows, up and down the aisles, contorting their bodies, staring, screaming. At last, the show begins. A woman croons a languidly Lynchian version of "Summertime" as dancers twirl; it's beautiful but there is something wrong here too, some decay creeping in, curling the edges.

That's what the real fun begins. That's when you meet the Angel.

+++

I wasn't sure what to expect with Angel of Light, but I love the Los Angeles Theater, so I took a chance. I'm so glad I did, because I absolutely adored this show. It's one of the best immersive productions I've ever seen. 

First, this is a show that values stillness. I'm not a fan of most jump scares -- they can be effective, but usually they're overdone and cheap, used to mask a weak story; the truffle oil of horror ("Throw a little of this on top and it'll cover up anything!") -- and I've always felt that someone just standing there, staring at you would be so much more unnerving than the more aggressive moves. Clearly, someone at Angel of Light agrees.

Second, this is a show that utilizes its incredible setting with so much style, grace, and respect for its history and beauty. Some haunts try to shoehorn a square peg of a story into the round hole of its setting, without asking questions like, "Why would this take place at a cemetery, or inside of a Victorian home?" Not this one. If you want to know what it might feel like to live the last 30 minutes or so of The Shining -- well, not the murderous dad in a blizzard bit; just the glamorous Art Deco party ghosts bit -- Angel of Light is the only ticket in town.

Go. Enter the Light. They're waiting.

+++

Angel of Light will be at the Los Angeles Theater (615 S. Broadway, DTLA) through October 31, 2023. 

100 Horror Haiku for Halloween

 

Happy post-Halloween hangover! I hope everyone had a spooktacular Halloween season. This was kind of a weird one for me -- much more laidback than usual. We did the bulk of our celebrating at home, although we did manage to make it out to a Cinespia screening of Bram Stoker's Dracula at the lavish Los Angeles Theatre downtown and visit a very cool and atmospheric speakeasy-style distillery called The Obscure, among a few other outings. 

One of the advantages of spending so much time at home was that I've been able to write a lot more than usual this year. Here are a couple of my recently published pieces:

• Halloween Haunts: October Baby for Horror Writers Association (personal essay)
• Some Say Sirens (poem) & Automaton (microfiction) for Tiny Frights Vol.1 No.2

I also decided to write 100 haiku inspired by 100 of my favorite horror movies, posting two per day to my Twitter! 

If you'd like to read those, you can check them out here:

From now until Halloween, I’m going to write haiku for 100 of my favorite horror movies. Two per day, culminating on October 31st, in no particular order other than that in which they occurred to me. Enjoy! 🎃

— The Tell-Tale Tart (@mpleckham) September 12, 2022

Here's to a creepier-than-normal November!  

REVIEW: Queen Mary's Dark Harbor 2019

This Halloween season is going to be a little different for me; namely, I will be out of town -- in fact, out of the country -- on Halloween. And while that's terribly exciting, it's also put a bit of a damper on all of my usual October traditions: I simply don't have the time to do everything this year! So that makes hitting up an old standby like Queen Mary's Dark Harbor all the more important. Now in its tenth year, Dark Harbor 2019 is a bit like creepy comfort food: Reliably awesome, if unsurprising.

Overall, Dark Harbor hasn't changed that much from last year, when I proclaimed it to be a veritable maritime mind-blower. But I do have to admit that the tweaks, while subtle, weren't exactly for the better. Gone is the ice bar - not a deal-breaker, but a fun touch that I missed. There is only one new maze for 2019, and the returning mazes seemed a bit shorter this year. Still, I had a great time, and would heartily recommend Dark Harbor to anyone who has yet to check it out, or who hasn't been in a while.

REVIEW: Creep LA: HAUS OF CREEP

Well, my spookies, it's September. How did that happen? And not only is it September, but it's almost October. Our favorite month, she is unstoppable -- and she's almost here!

But no need to rush things. September has her own special charms, of course. Not least of which is the fact that September kicks off Creep season here in Los Angeles. And this year, more than any other, I was stricken by the fact that Creep has to happen here in Los Angeles -- it couldn't happen anywhere else. It's so uniquely of and for this city. And that has never been more true than of Creep's 2019 installment, HAUS OF CREEP.

Off-Season Spooky: The 3 Hottest Tickets in Town

Winter can be hard on the Halloween fan, what with the spooky season in your rear view and the year's endless months sprawling before you, with hundreds of days until October once more dawns black and orange, heralding the return of the Best Time of the Year.

And that's to say nothing of spring, with its sunshine and flowers and bunnies. I mean, pastels? THE HORROR!

But despair not, gentle creeps. Here are three off-season spooky events taking place this spring in Los Angeles:

Surely you remember my recent review of Delusion: The Blue Blade. Again, this is not a haunt, and it's not exactly horror, but there are some creepy moments, and some killer set pieces, and I firmly believe that if you're the kind of person who spends March wishing it could be October, you'll enjoy yourself.

Tickets available now through March 17, 2019.

Another immersive theater experience making a triumphant return this spring is The Willows - you can read my thoughts about the 2017 production here. 

Tickets are on sale now for showtimes through the end of March, with more tickets to be released for later shows. 

Finally, Reign of Terror in Thousand Oaks is putting on a special one-night only event on Saturday, March 9, 2019 from 7-11 PM, but unlike the aforementioned productions, this is a proper haunted house. From the RoT social media:

ALL your FAVORITE features, and creatures, await your Springtime visit to Reign of Terror Haunted House's SPECIAL EVENT on March 9, 2019! Including the expanded underground 'slime bog' inside Miner's Revenge, the outcasts inhabiting the 'Inbred' attraction, the 'White-Out Experience' inside our Fun House, plus all the outlandish occupants, sights, sounds and scents that make ROT the most fiendishly fun you can have in a Haunt!

Tickets are available now on their website, with  proceeds benefiting various animal rescue groups. If you've never been to Reign of Terror, it really must be seen to be believed, and what better time to go than right in the middle of the off-season?

Enjoy!

A Spell for the Final Girl

In case you missed it back in October, I contributed a piece to Luna Luna's Halloween issue, and it stirs everything from the Blumhouse Halloween to Claire C. Holland's I Am Not Your Final Girl (an excellent collection of horror-inspired poetry if ever there was one) to our current political climate into a witchy brew. Please check it out.

REVIEW: Creep LA: Awake

If you're looking for a haunt (or is it immersive theatre?) that really lives up to its name, Creep LA is your jam. Year after year, they're the classiest, weirdest, most intelligent game in town. If other haunts are "Top That" from Teen Witch (and don't get me wrong, I LOVE "Top That"), Creep LA  is that scene in 2015's The Witch where the bird is pecking that lady's tit while she laughs dementedly. Both are great in their own way, of course, but one makes you laugh with your friends while the other leaves you shuddering alone.

Are you ready to shudder? Alone?

REVIEW: WB's Horror Made Here - A Festival of Frights

When it comes to the LA haunt scene, we may not have much in the way of mazes set in actual abandoned or historical buildings, but we do have one asset that sets us apart from pretty much every other city in the world: Hollywood, baby! This is the epicenter of The Industry, and if you've seen it on screens big or small, there's a pretty good chance it was made on a lot in southern California. Small towns especially; from Haddonfield to Stars Hollow, your favorite quaint suburbs may look like middle America, but they're actually as West Coast as you can get. So it's actually kind of surprising that more movie studios haven't gotten in on the act for Halloween. In fact, for years Universal Studios' Halloween Horror Nights ran pretty much unchallenged as the Hollywood Home of Halloween Horror. But no more.

Universal, keep an eye on that crown of yours, because Warner Bros. is hot on your heels with Horror Made Here.

REVIEW: The Queen Mary's Dark Harbor 2018

Let's get this out of the way: I was totally taco-blocked at the Queen Mary last night.

OMG OMG OMG DARK HARBOR RULES THIS YEAR!

They bounced back so incredibly hard from last year's taco debacle that there was no free food whatsoever - not even the possibility of free tacos - and I didn't even care!

Seriously, though - it's the maritime-flavored, floating haunt from hell that we always knew it could be, but I don't think it ever quite achieved its full potential until now. But with haunt mastermind Jon Cooke - the man behind Knott's Scary Farm's Dark Ride, my Favorite Maze Ever - on board to revamp the mazes and rethink the layout, Dark Harbor is finally great. 

Trickin' & Treatin': Midsummer Scream 2018

Who could have guessed that Long Beach would end up as the Halloween capital of California?

If you were at Midsummer Scream this year - and I know you were, because EVERYONE ON EARTH WAS - you know this to be true. Just a few years out from its debut, Midsummer Scream has established itself as the premier Halloween convention in California, and a bona fide destination event for Halloweenies from all over the country, if not the globe.

A convention dedicated to the spookiest night of the year shouldn't feel quite so right plopped in the middle of such an oppressively hot summer weekend, like a pumpkin patch that's magically sprung up in the middle of a beach. But we've all learned to embrace Halloween in July. And I really do mean all of us.

Because Midsummer Scream was CROWDED. AS. FUCK.

It's always crowded, of course. But this year was different. The parking situation was apocalyptic. The convention floor was claustrophobic. They actually sold out on both Saturday and Sunday! I was positively awed by the turnout. Awed, and a little anxiety-stricken. Here's my biggest survival tip: You're going to have to make peace with your feelings about crowds before you head into Midsummer Scream.

Happy BOO Year: Anticipating 2018

Tomorrow the slate will be wiped clean once again! Are you excited? I know I am. I love a brand new year, with all of its promise and anticipation. Here are a few things I'm looking forward to in 2018:

• Insidious: The Last Key. The fourth (!) entry in what has become a veritable franchise, I don't have high hopes that this one will revolutionize the genre or anything; I just want a ride through the spook house. 
• Winchester. Have you been to the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose? Legend has it that Sarah Winchester had to keep her labyrinthine mansion in a perpetual state of construction to appease the spirits of the angry dead murdered by her family's namesake rifles. True story or con perpetrated by a particularly savvy 19th-century contractor? Perhaps this movie will provide some clarity! In any case, it's a haunted house movie based on a place that I've actually visited, so I'm in.
• Hell House LLC 2: The Abbadon Hotel. Despite the cumbersome title, I'm super excited for this follow-up to the found-footage creeper set in a seasonal haunted house. 
• Halloween (2018). RuPaul said it best.
• The 'Burbs Collector's Edition. Look at this glorious Blu-ray edition of ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME. Just look at it. Come March, it will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine. 
• More horror conventions and festivals! We already have good, solid dates for Spookshow 6 (April 7), Monsterpalooza (April 13-15), and Midsummer Scream (July 28 & 29). Half my year is already planned, wheeee!
• Halloween haunts! Of course I'm already thinking about October. When am I not? Can't wait to find out what Knott's has in store this year. Plus, I'm hoping to finally check out Mable's 6 Feet Under, Coffin Creek in Corona, and whatever else the Halloween gods might throw my way.
• Channel Zero: Butcher's Block. The third season of this creepypasta-based horror anthology series premieres on February 7th! 
• The return of iZombie. Not sure if there's a date yet, but the fourth season of this zom-com should be making its way back to the CW in 2018. I know I say a lot of things are underrated, but um, so is this. It's so fun and funny and well-cast and clever. Please check it out, even if you're burnt out on zombies.
• Shirley Jackson hits Netflix. At some point this year, I am going to be watching a Netflix original series based on The Haunting of Hill House. That's reason enough to be excited for that ball to drop tonight.

Book Review - DRAWN TO THE DARK: EXPLORATIONS IN SCARE TOURISM AROUND THE WORLD by Chris Kullstroem

One of the most effective ways to combat a post-Halloween hangover, I have found, is to have some spooky stuff lined up for at least the first week or two of November. That way you'll ensure an easier transition for yourself from the scariest time of year to the merriest. For my part, I've filled the past week with activities ranging from seeing John Carpenter play live to watching Wicked Lit performed in a cemetery under a full moon to finally finishing the book I've been reading for most of October, Chris Kullstroem's Drawn to the Dark: Explorations in Scare Tourism Around the World. If you need any more evidence that this book is ideal holiday season reading for the creepily-inclined, look no further than the leering Austrian Krampuses on the hell-red cover.

Before I started this book, I expected a somewhat scholarly examination of how various cultures celebrate the macabre in all of its many forms. I thought it would be meticulously researched, painstakingly annotated, and maybe even a little dry, in the way that non-fiction books can sometimes be. Turns out I was all wrong about this book in both tone and content. Instead, Drawn to the Dark reads more like a first-person travelogue, as author Chris Kullstroem sells off her possessions and travels around the world via connections made on the Couchsurfing website, all in the name of seeking what's spooky at home and abroad.

While some of the locations she visits were what I was expecting, such as a jaunt to Mexico for the Day of the Dead or a trip to Transylvania to unravel the myth behind the Dracula legend, many others were totally unexpected, including the Hungarian Busójárás  festival, a mountaintop concert in Germany to honor Walpurgisnacht, and the "Ghostbus Tour" she takes in Ireland. Even the more standard chapters took unexpected turns: Her stay in Oaxaca for Dia de los Muertos ends in a trip to a haunt situated in an old auto junkyard, while the Krampus chapter surprised me simply because I had no idea authentic Austrian Krampus laufs were so brutal (hot tip - if you find yourself in Salzburg during the holiday season, consider investing in shin guards).

Brief descriptions of each event are provided before Kullstroem dives headfirst into celebrating with the locals, but you won't find a definitive history of any particular festival or tradition here. Rather, this book is about one American haunt enthusiast's experience of chasing spookiness all over the globe. Her Couchsurfing hosts, who tend to participate in the haunts, tours, and festivals with her, range from enthusiastic to reluctant, and it's always fun to read their perceptions of their own country's more macabre traditions. For her part, Kullstroem seems to be an incredibly good sport with an unwavering appetite for adventure, and her openness toward new experiences, from performing in haunts to hunting down zombies in a simulated battle to weathering blows from whip-wielding Krampuses, may even inspire you to step out of your own creepy comfort zone.

In her chapter on Transylvania, Kullstroem does a masterful job of balancing the lurid tale of Dracula - and the area's own Drac-centric tourist industry - with the fact that Vlad Tepes, brutal though his methods were, is regarded by many as a folk hero who protected his people from invasion by any means necessary. She visits historical sites and haunts alike, taking them both in stride and enjoying them for what they have to offer, concluding:

There was room for both, I supposed: The reality and the spectacle. One could always lead to appreciating the other - regardless of which we had been originally drawn to.

This lack of distinction between highbrow and lowbrow, between culture and kitsch, is the true crux of the book in my opinion, and what truly sets Drawn to the Dark apart from more academic tomes. Whether you're learning in a museum, paying your respects in a mausoleum, or screaming your head off in a maze, all of these experiences are facets of the same fascination with death, life, and the mysteries of mortality. All have value for those of us who delight in the darkness.

So if you need to recapture that Halloween feeling even as winter is setting in, or you're looking for a great holiday gift for that spooky someone, check out Drawn to the Dark for a unique travel diary that will delight any haunt fan.

Disclosure: I was provided with a complimentary copy of this book for review.

REVIEW: Knott's Scary Farm 2017

Honestly, I had no intention of writing about Knott's Scary Farm this year. It will forever hold a special place in my heart, as the oldest and best of the southern California theme park haunts, but I also think lots of other websites, blogs, and publications offer much more in-depth coverage than I do. Plus, I thought it was just going to be another standard year at the Haunt, that I wouldn't have much to say beyond a cursory, "That was cool."

Dude. I was wrong. Because Knott's wasn't just cool this year. It was SUPER FUCKING COOL.

I had so much fun that it totally reified my love for Knott's, haunts, and even Halloween itself. If I had to point to just one reason why this happened, I could do it in two words: Dark Ride.

REVIEW: Creep LA 2017

Our evening begins on a nondescript loading dock outside of a building in a part of downtown Los Angeles that feels miles away from the trendy bars and restaurants that have started to spring up in the area. This section of town is all concrete and asphalt and sickly yellow-green streetlights. We are herded into groups of 8 and given black bandannas to cover our mouths shortly before we enter a sparsely decorated room illuminated only by candlelight, where we wait. And wait.

And then...she enters.

I'm uncomfortable and nervous and titillated and disoriented. This can only be Creep.

Photo by Hatbox Photography

Creep LA - perhaps the most exciting new haunt I experienced during last year's haunt season - has done it again with their new iteration, a partnership with the popular podcast/Amazon Prime series Lore.  In a world full of jump scares and gore, Creep brings the slow-burn, lingering terror. This experience is not about horrific set pieces and chainsaw chase-outs; rather, it's about catching something out of the corner of your eye, connecting with an actor who is inhabiting a character so fully that you're not even sure if they're acting anymore, losing yourself in the story and surrendering completely to the darkness.

Photo by Hatbox Photography

In fact, Creep isn't really a haunt or a maze at all - it's fully immersive, interactive theater, closer in spirit to New York's Sleep No More than it is to Knott's Scary Farm or Halloween Horror Nights. You become part of the action, moving from room to room, meeting new characters, and yes, even being touched by them from time to time. (Rest assured you won't be harmed or antagonized.)

Photo by Hatbox Photography 

The fairy tales, myths and legends of Lore are a natural fit for Creep, which always prioritizes storytelling above cheap scares. While I think it's best to head in knowing as little as possible about what to expect, I'll gladly tantalize you with a few keywords: Forest. Coffin. Asylum. Seance. Lobotomy. Doll. Wolf. (And as with most of life's best experiences, the whole thing wraps up with cocktails.)

Intrigued? Don't sleep, creeps: Creep LA: Lore runs through November 12, and many dates are already sold out. Grab your tickets now before they fade into the fog.


Disclosure: I was provided with complimentary passes to review this event.

REVIEW: The Queen Mary's Dark Harbor 2017

Let's get this out of the way: I was totally taco-blocked at the Queen Mary last night.

After standing in line for the better part of an hour, my haunt companion and I were super stoked for our turn at the taco bar. We were downing cocktails and rubbing elbows with the Captain. Those tacos were ours and we knew it. We were sure of it.

Alas, our taco dreams were dashed when we were unceremoniously denied in no uncertain terms. Why? Who knows! Did we ask? You bet! But no one seemed to have any information on this diabolical taco moratorium - only that it was to be strictly and immediately enforced. All I know for sure is that when we were mere steps away from our treats, we were tricked instead.

Deprived of my promised Mexican feast, I let out an insane roar of pure hanger and flipped the table, sending beans and tortillas sailing over the railing and into the inky black of the harbor below before leading my fellow Halloween bloggers on an anarchic rampage through the RIP Lounge, which we left in smoldering tatters, our final act of revenge.

Just kidding. My friend and I went and paid for food at the Muertos Morsels booth.

Spotted when we first entered the haunt, when we still believed we lived in a just and fair world in which "free tacos" were more than just an empty promise.

The "I Scream" booth. Absolutely adorable, but they were sold out of chocolate soft serve! And it was like 8:30 on opening night!

These swings from Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch certainly have stories to tell.

With the great Taco Debacle safely in our rearview, our bellies blessedly full of nachos and quesadillas, we could finally begin our evening in earnest.

Get Your Tickets for Creep LA: Lore NOW

Creep Los Angeles, now in its third year, is still pretty new to the LA haunt scene, but they've certainly carved out a niche with their uniquely cinematic, elegantly terrifying immersive events. Last Halloween, Creep was one of the absolute highlights of my haunt season. I had never experienced anything quite like it. Then, this spring, the creeps of Creep emerged with an interactive theater production called The Willows - another deliciously deranged and haunting entry in their singular body of work. But what would the autumn bring? Surely they were planning a proper October haunt, yes?

Yes, indeed they had something suitably sinister up their creepy sleeves: This year, Creep LA is partnering with the popular podcast-turned-Amazon-show Lore to bring Los Angeles a "fully interactive, multi-sensory, walk-through experience" that draws on the subject matter of the show to take guests on a unique descent into their "darkest nightmares."

Grab your tickets ASAP - Creep has a nasty habit of selling out fast - by visiting their website tomorrow, September 15 at 10 AM PT. Creep LA: Lore will take place in downtown Los Angeles on select dates from October 5 thru November 12, 2017. Tickets start at $65 for a 1-hour walkthrough experience. ADULTS ONLY.

See you creeps there!

Summertime Boos: Midsummer Scream 2017

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: We are absolutely spoiled with the number of Halloween and horror festivals, celebrations and conventions that we have to choose from here in southern California, many of them taking place in the ordinarily dreary off-season. I can easily rattle off half a dozen just off the top of my head: Halloween Club's Spookshow, Monsterpalooza, Scare LA, Son of Monsterpalooza, Abracadaver's Grave Harvest...and, of course, Midsummer Scream, which took place at the Long Beach Convention Center on July 29 and 30.

Not to rub it in or anything, but if you weren't there? You missed out, man.

Shudder Double Feature: WNUF HALLOWEEN SPECIAL and GHOSTWATCH

4th of July weekend was a hot 'n muggy one here in LA, and the heat didn't let up after the sun set - at least, not in our apartment. The only thing I wanted to do was lay on the couch in the dark with the fan pointed directly at me and watch horror movies. Mr. Spooky and I finally signed up for Shudder recently, so we had our work cut out for us in terms of selection. (Look, I know we all miss the horror sections of brick and mortar video stores - their charms were undeniable - but I still can't get over how FUCKING DOPE it is to have the entire horror section in my living room, ready to watch at a moment's notice.)

SIDE NOTE: I assume I'm late to the party, but just in case - you're signed up for Shudder, right? For just $5 a month (less if you pay for the entire year at once) you get access to so many cool horror movies. As far as I'm concerned, it's already paid for itself, because that weekend we discovered two new (old) favorites via what turned out to be an ideal double feature of Halloween-set retro found footage horror: WNUF Halloween Special (2013) and Ghostwatch (1992). 

WNUF Halloween Special has been on my radar for a while, and it was one of the films I was most excited to find on Shudder. The movie is a tape-recorded broadcast of a local TV station's Halloween night programming in 1987, complete with commercials. For fans of '70s, '80s and '90s nostalgia, this is exactly the kind of gem you're always hoping to unearth every time you watch an old VHS tape you found in a thriftstore (or just click on one of Dinosaur Dracula's Retro TV Commercials posts). The period setting feels so true to life and the Halloween atmosphere is so intoxicating that it starts to feel like you're in an honest-to-god timewarp.

REVIEW: Creep Los Angeles 2016

We are driving down a dark road in an industrial area. I haven't seen any houses in a while; just gas stations with their buzzing fluorescent lights, fast food joints and mysterious unmarked warehouses. Have we passed it? Our eyes strain to make out numbers. Then, projected on the side of a building, stark white on black: CREEP. 

"There it is!" I exclaim. I make a U-turn and pull into the lot.

A small group of people linger out front. A man in a dark hoodie and mask hands us cards inscribed with a single word and silently points to the X's on the ground in front of the door. We take our places. An orchestral cover of Radiohead's "Creep" plays. Are those children singing? It's hot in LA - still summer, really - but Halloween is in the air.

The door swings open. It's our turn to enter.

I ask to use the bathroom. It's lit only by candles; incense smolders in the sink. One of the creeps repeatedly pounds on the door while I try to pee. "This is all part of it," I reassure myself.

They call us forward, four at a time, and ask us to sign waivers. I don't even read mine, I just scribble my name. "Don't fuck it up," a creep hisses in my ear. After everyone has signed their lives away, they gesture: This way. Look for the man with the clipboard and introduce yourselves. We slink down a twisting maze in pitch blackness, the eight of us, thrown together by fate. Where are we heading?

Suddenly, a light. No one jumps out at us. There are no flayed corpses or fog machines or spiderwebs. Just a room that looks like a nightclub from a David Lynch movie, bathed in red light. PJ Harvey's "Electric Light" is playing. We order vodka sodas and wait, nervously. What have we gotten ourselves into?

A beautiful woman asks me to dance and makes me promise to go wherever the darkness takes me. A stranger pulls me away from my husband and takes me into an enclosed space. A man tells us the story of Erebus Burwyck, who believed the path to transcendence was paved with suffering, both mental and physical, before hammering nails into his face.

Then, the man with the clipboard says the word printed on the cards we were given. Purgatory is behind us now; only hell lies ahead.

We are led away. Our adventure begins in earnest.

What happens at CreepLA? To say much more would be to spoil the surprise. Suffice it to say that this haunt is totally unique, and true to its name. Will you be touched? Absolutely. You may be blindfolded, or told to hide. Your face may be painted. You're guaranteed to have a different experience than your friends. (But for those who fear McKamey Manor-esque hijinks like faux water boarding or live insects on your face, rest assured that nothing like that will befall you from the creeps at CreepLA. You will be touched, but you won't be harmed.)

If you're game, this is an experience that's rich with petrifying possibilities. Enter the darkness, and let the darkness enter you.

Disclosure: I was provided with complimentary passes to review this event.

Halloween in July: Midsummer Scream 2016

While the rest of the nation writhes and sweats in the summer sun, something magical is brewing in the greater Los Angeles area...yes, my spooky friends, the rumors are true: Southern California is absolutely lousy with Halloween conventions in 2016. Last weekend was the inaugural year of Midsummer Scream a brand new Long Beach-based "Halloween Festival" from haunt season stalwarts Creepy LA and Theme Park Adventure.

Sure, smaller minds may balk at the idea of kicking off the Halloween season when October 31st is still three months out, but connoisseurs know that this is a long time coming, and midsummer is actually the perfect time to start pretending it's fall.

To wit:

1. The last significant festive holiday is the 4th of July. And then nothing until Halloween, which leaves a huge pumpkin-shaped hole in the hearts of the American public. 
2. The 4th of July is actually the holiday that's perhaps closest in spirit to Halloween, automatically putting everyone in the mood for tricks 'n treats. I mean, the 4th of July is a community holiday, not a family holiday. People run wild in the streets, there are terrifying explosions, and if you do the 4th right, it should pretty much border on anarchy. Just like Halloween! (Well, maybe not the explosions. MAYBE.)
3. Unlike premature Christmas, which can totally ruin early fall vibes - not to mention completely overshadowing everyone's favorite calendar-sanctioned food fest, Thanksgiving - premature Halloween steps on no one's toes. It's not like your Labor Day is going to be ruined if you catch a glimpse of the velvet skulls on the shelves at Michael's. 
4. Late summer is less obviously spooky than fall, but it still has an inherent moodiness to it that lends itself well to horror movies. To name just a few perfect-for-summer horror flicks: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Friday the 13th, Sleepaway Camp, The 'Burbs, Jeepers Creepers, The Devil's Rejects. 

So yeah, I am definitely on board with firing up the broomstick a little early. And that's exactly what Halloween fans got with Midsummer Scream.