Ultimate Fantasy: Magic, Murder & Performing Femininity in The Love Witch

I wrote about one of my favorite recent films, Anna Biller's The Love Witch (2016), over on Death & the Maiden. Please check it out by clicking on Samantha Robinson's bewitching visage in the above photo.

Best of 2017: Movies

JFC, what a year this was! It felt like the news never stopped in 2017, like any given day had the potential to end in either nuclear catastrophe or the dawning of a new era of awakened human consciousness - take your pick. Given the volatility in our culture right now, perhaps it's not surprising that this was an extremely interesting year at the movies, particularly for horror fans. Even some of the movies I didn't particularly care for - like The Killing of a Sacred Deer, It Comes at Night, and mother! - lingered in my mind, inspiring plenty of thought and conversation and illustrating just how far horror has come since the lean years of the late '90s and early '00s.

Without further ado, here are a few of my filmic favorites:

Best of 2017: H O R R O R 

1. Get Out. What's left to say about Get Out at the end of 2017? This was basically the undisputed movie of the year, and I'm pretty sure you've seen it by now. Those who weren't familiar with writer-director Jordan Peele going in might have been surprised by this super inventive, intelligent, incisive horror film coming from a guy best known for sketch comedy, but I think it's totally in line with the surreal, disturbing tone of the best Key & Peele sketches. Despite the Stepford Wives-meets-Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? heaviness of the subject matter, this movie was also funny, cathartic, surprising, and the best experience I had in a crowded theater all year, thanks to the audience reactions. Get Out stands alone as a movie that could function equally well as a good group watch at a party or as part of the syllabus for any number of academic courses, from film studies to sociology. Its legacy is already cemented.
2. It. This was the other Big One this year - the film that, along with Get Out, inspired a million think pieces on the Great Horror Revival of 2017™ and the oceans of money that said revival has generated in the past 12 months. This was a mainstream horror movie based on a well-known and previously adapted novel starring a bunch of kids, and it STILL MANAGED TO BE AWESOME. Bill Skarsgård offers a terrifying new take on Pennywise that sits comfortably alongside Tim Curry's iconic creation without stepping on any toes. The whole thing felt like Stand by Me but with a token girl and, you know, a sewer-dwelling clown that consumes children. Sick!
3. The Shape of Water. A film that asks - and answers - the provocative question, "What if the Gill Man was hot?" In all honesty, this is my favorite from Guillermo Del Toro - sad, beautiful, and romantic, like if Amélie found herself in a Universal monster movie.
4. The Lure. Another poignant tale of aquatic monsters in love, but this time it's fishy mermaid babes and they end up working in a Polish nightclub in the '80s, and oh yeah, this is a musical, and also there are subtitles. A fairytale with (actual, literal) teeth. I wasn't at all sure how I felt about this one at first, but it's been months since I first watched it and I still think about it from time to time, so it definitely made an impression. Personally I think it would be a great double feature with The Shape of Water. 
5. Happy Death Day. What if Groundhog Day was a horror flick? That's what it looked like from the trailers, and yes, it's exactly that. But it's also exactly that much fun. This may not be a movie that's going to change anyone's life, but it's a really enjoyable way to spend 96 minutes.
6. 78/52. A documentary about the shower scene in Hitchcock's Psycho - arguably the first proper slasher scene in film history, and inarguably one of the most stunning, innovative and influential sequences of all time. Psycho is one of my all-time favorites and I loved this deep dive into such a specific and pivotal moment. Felt like attending the film class of my dreams.
7. The Blackcoat's Daughter. Speaking of Psycho, did you know that Anthony Perkins (Norman Bates himself) had two sons, and one of them wrote and directed this creepy AF slow-burn horror that takes the demonic possession trope in completely new and surprising directions? Oz Perkins also wrote and directed the similarly glacial-paced and ineffably eerie I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House, which is available on Netflix and would have made this list save for the fact that it came out in 2016 (even though technically The Blackcoat's Daughter was completed first, it wasn't widely distributed until this year). If you like super-slow, engrossing, atmospheric, female-led horror that would do Shirley Jackson proud, I promise you'll love the films of Oz Perkins. (Fun fact: Perkins' other son, Elvis, provided the film's haunting score.) 

Shudder Double Feature: WNUF HALLOWEEN SPECIAL and GHOSTWATCH

4th of July weekend was a hot 'n muggy one here in LA, and the heat didn't let up after the sun set - at least, not in our apartment. The only thing I wanted to do was lay on the couch in the dark with the fan pointed directly at me and watch horror movies. Mr. Spooky and I finally signed up for Shudder recently, so we had our work cut out for us in terms of selection. (Look, I know we all miss the horror sections of brick and mortar video stores - their charms were undeniable - but I still can't get over how FUCKING DOPE it is to have the entire horror section in my living room, ready to watch at a moment's notice.)

SIDE NOTE: I assume I'm late to the party, but just in case - you're signed up for Shudder, right? For just $5 a month (less if you pay for the entire year at once) you get access to so many cool horror movies. As far as I'm concerned, it's already paid for itself, because that weekend we discovered two new (old) favorites via what turned out to be an ideal double feature of Halloween-set retro found footage horror: WNUF Halloween Special (2013) and Ghostwatch (1992). 

WNUF Halloween Special has been on my radar for a while, and it was one of the films I was most excited to find on Shudder. The movie is a tape-recorded broadcast of a local TV station's Halloween night programming in 1987, complete with commercials. For fans of '70s, '80s and '90s nostalgia, this is exactly the kind of gem you're always hoping to unearth every time you watch an old VHS tape you found in a thriftstore (or just click on one of Dinosaur Dracula's Retro TV Commercials posts). The period setting feels so true to life and the Halloween atmosphere is so intoxicating that it starts to feel like you're in an honest-to-god timewarp.

Get Ready for NIGHT OF THE WITCHES

Spring is in full swing, and for the spooky among us, that means that we're HALFWAY TO HALLOWEEN! That's right - this coming Sunday, April 30 is Hexennacht, aka Hex Night, aka Walpurgis Night, when witches roam the earth and the veil is thinned (at least, as thin as it's going to get outside of October). If you're in the Los Angeles area and your coven has the night off, head to the Phantom Carriage Brewery in Carson for Night of the Witches, a celebration featuring food and drink specials, a Q&A with a working mortician, an illustrated talk on the history of the holiday from Sarah Chavez and a screening of Anna Biller's florid feminist fever dream The Love Witch, one of my personal favorite films of 2016. 

For those of you who can't make it out, The Spooky Vegan has compiled an excellent list of 20 Witch Films to Watch on Walpurgisnacht. I was so excited to read this list comprised of some of my favorite movies that I felt compelled to offer up some additional suggestions of my own. Truly, you can never have enough cinematic spellcasters in your life. So from the goofy to the gruesome, here are 20 more titles to add to your witchlist:

Good Spooky/Bad Spooky: Capsule Reviews

Sinister is the latest movie (that is not part of the Paranormal Activity franchise) from Blumhouse Productions, which has a special place in my heart because a) they have given us some fun scary movies, b) they ended the Saw/torture porn reign of terror that dominated the early aughties, and c) they produced the new Rob Zombie witch movie The Lords of Salem, which is due in 2013. Anyhow, Sinister is sort of like The Shining meets Paranormal Activity: It's about a true crime writer, played by Ethan Hawke, who moves his wife and two children into a house that was the scene of a grisly unsolved crime - a family of four was murdered, and the youngest daughter vanished. He finds a box of extraordinarily disturbing "home movies" in the attic, and begins to lose his grip on reality as it becomes clear that the crime he's investigating was not an isolated incident - and an extremely, well, sinister boogeyman may be to blame. This movie was a little silly in parts, but it was tons of fun. If you liked Insidious, you'll probably enjoy this one too. Extra points for doing a "found footage" movie with a twist: Instead of claiming the movie itself is comprised of found footage, in Sinister a character actually finds and watches the footage, with terrifying consequences.

And speaking of Paranormal Activity 4, what did everybody think? I really enjoy these movies, but even I have to admit that the conceit is getting a little tired at this point. I love the second and third movies - maybe even more than the first one - but this one felt like a retread, and few of the scares surprised me. Not a bad movie, and if you like this kind of thing you may as well check it out, but it won't be a tragedy if you wait for the DVD. I hear a fifth installment is already being planned. Has the franchise run out of go-go juice or are there still scares to be had in the saga of Katie the suburban succubus and her demonic cronies? You decide!

Like I said, PA4 - while flawed - wasn't bad. If you want BAD, I hope you caught NBC's airing of Bryan Fuller's Munsters remake, titled Mockingbird Lane, last Friday. Since the series wasn't picked up for the fall schedule, the network decided to broadcast the pilot as a one-hour Halloween special. (That, or they truly are "tanking NBC," just like Jack Donaghy said on 30 Rock!) I wanted to like this. I did! I'm not opposed to remakes (see: my love of Rob Zombie), and I love what they did with the Addams Family in the 90s. But tonally, this was a complete nightmare...and not the good kind. It lacked charm, it lacked scares and it lacked laughs. Maybe there's some sort of Munsters Curse that has rendered this great piece of classic '60s horror kitsch completely un-remake-able. We have the complete original series on DVD already; maybe this retread will be the last nail in the coffin and the Munster clan will finally be able to rest in peace? Here's hoping!

Capsule Movie Reviews: Prince of Darkness, Frankenweenie, From a Whisper to a Scream, Equinox

Sometimes there are movies I want to write about, but it just doesn't feel like I have enough in me to create a "full post." For those moments, I give you...capsule movie reviews. (I actually really love shorter movie reviews, personally. They give you enough to help you determine whether or not you want to watch the movie, but they're usually too brief to give away major plot points.)

Prince of Darkness: This is a John Carpenter movie from the 80s that focuses on the Devil, which is such an 80s horror topic, right?! Satanic cults were a real thing back then. Anyhow, in Prince of Darkness it turns out that, concealed beneath an old church is an unspeakable evil, in the form of green goo that is vaguely reminiscent of You Can't Do That on Television, or the filling of a delicious, delicious Cadbury Screme Egg. Donald Pleasence plays a priest with haunted eyes who says terrifying things about how everyone is doomed. Alice Cooper plays a homeless guy who stabs someone to death with a fucking bicycle. It's on Netflix streaming - check it out! It's not a masterpiece, but it's enjoyable nonetheless.

Frankenweenie: Tim Burton (sorta) redeems himself to diehards who want to love him but can't pretend his most recent movies have been good with this supercute black-and-white 3D animated tale about a boy who resurrects his beloved dog, based on his live action short of the same name which you probably watched as an extra on the Nightmare Before Christmas DVD. It has lots of Burtonian atmosphere, a creepy/manic Danny Elfman score, nods to Universal monster movies and Vincent Price and even the voice of Winona Ryder as a Lydia Deetz-ish deadpan goth girl. If any of this sounds even remotely appealing to you, you'll dig this movie.

From a Whisper to a Scream: Another horror anthology currently available via Netflix streaming, this is an 80s movie starring an elderly Vincent Price about the evil that infects the (fictional) town of Oldfield, Tennessee. (Note: For some reason, I thought there would be a murderous scarecrow in this movie. I'm not sure why I thought this, but let me tell you there are no scarecrows whatsoever. You have been warned.) VP plays a classy/creepy old librarian whose serial killer niece has just been executed, and a mysterious lady comes to visit him to learn more about what drove her to murder. What follows is four ghoulish tales covering topics like murderous babies from beyond the grave, voodoo, necrophilia, carnival freakshows and the horrors of the Civil War (no, really!). This movie was kind of brutal, actually - anthologies tend to be a little on the kitschy side (think Tales from the Crypt) and this one had a number of gory moments that took me by surprise. And can I just say that I'm so fucking tired of watching women murdered in movies for rebuffing a man's sexual advances, as if that somehow lends sympathy to the murderer? (Note: This is why we need more women filmmakers, especially in the horror genre!) Apparently Vincent Price hated this movie. It's nothing I would recommend going out of your way to watch, but if you're an anthology fan with a couple of hours to kill, you could do worse. Like, for instance, you could wind up watching...

Equinox: This 1970 movie straddles the line between so bad it's funny and so bad you're kinda pissed that you spent valuable minutes of your life watching it. It's full of annoying characters who do inexplicably stupid things, and I can safely say that I was rooting for absolutely everybody's death. The special effects are abysmal, even for the time, and don't make a lot of sense within the context of the story. Like, why does one of the characters end up battling a large blue caveman? Hmm. It gets points for all of the cool cars and for showcasing L.A. hiking trails that I know for a fact I've been on, including the Bronson Caves in Hollywood. Points taken away for the hyper-annoying casual sexism and the utter idiocy of the plot.

THIS WEEKEND: Spider Baby & Carnival of Souls

Thanks to Ms. Merricat Blackwood for alerting me to this weekend's amazing double feature of Spider Baby and Carnival of Souls, two black-and-white horror films from the '60s that are screening at the Linwood Dunn Theater in Hollywood as part of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences' "Film-to-Film Festival." Both movies, which are screening Saturday, September 29th (tomorrow!), were recently restored by the Academy from the original negatives, and the Spider Baby screening will have writer-director Jack Hill on hand as a special guest.

If you've never seen Spider Baby - one of my personal favorites - you're doing yourself a serious disservice. It's a groovy weirdo movie about a family that suffers from a terrible curse - a disease that causes them to regress to some sort of bizarre primal state, indulging in their every disturbed, childlike whim. It has a young Sid Haig, an old Lon Chaney, Jr. and two of the creepiest ladies ever to wield knives. Carnival of Souls is subtler and slower, but it's also chilling and eerie, and the perfect kickoff to October.

Spider Baby screens at 7:30pm, and Carnival of Souls at 9:30pm. Tickets are $5 each per feature (so $10 per person to see both).

Screams and moans and bats and bones
Teenage monsters in haunted homes
The ghost on the stair, the vampire's bite
Better beware, there's a full moon tonight!

Cannibal spiders creep and crawl
Boys and ghouls having a ball
Frankenstein, Dracula and even the Mummy
Are sure to end up in somebody's tummy

Take a fresh rodent, some toadstools and weeds
Add an old owl and the young one she breeds
Mix in seven legs of an eight-legged beast
Then you're all set for a cannibal feast

Sit around the fire with the cup of brew
A fiend and a werewolf on each side of you
This cannibal orgy is strange to behold
And the maddest story ever told!

Horror in Store: Movies to Watch

It's almost October, so scary movies are on my mind now more than ever (if that's even possible). From upcoming releases to movies that are just now making their way to DVD/Blu-Ray to recent releases that I somehow managed to overlook when they were in theaters, here are a few films that I'm looking forward to catching in the coming weeks:

 

Okay, The Cabin in the Woods came out forever ago but it's just coming out on DVD this week. Have you seen it? You really should. It totally deconstructs your favorite predictable horror tropes in a really fun, clever way, and the last 20 minutes or so are completely crazy. Don't read too much about it, just watch.

 

Beyond the Black Rainbow is another movie that's new to DVD. My understanding is that it's some sort of pseudo-retro weirdo sci-fi movie about mind control, a sinister psychiatrist and the patient he's trying to hold captive. I dig 70s/80s homage movies (see also: The House of the Devil) and I'm thinking this is one, with some bizarre David Cronenberg/David Lynch elements thrown in. Good title too.

 

 

I haven't actually heard too much about The Loved Ones, but I saw a capsule review of it that mentioned it was new to DVD (even though Teh Google tells me it's an Australian film from ye olde 2009) and described it as some sort of prom night revenge flick. Specifically, a girl gets all murderously vengeful when the dude she asks to prom turns her down. Shades of Carrie and/or Prom Night? Could be interesting. Plus, the drill on the poster makes me think of Slumber Party Massacre.

 

I've been dying to see The Pact ever since it first came out earlier this year, but it was only in one theater for like one week, so I missed it. It's about a woman who returns to her childhood home for her mother's funeral and encounters "unsettling" forces. Creepy haunted house movies are my favorite, y'all! And look at that poster. LOVE. Looks like this one will be out on DVD in November.

 

Perhaps the only thing more delicious than a haunted house movie is a haunted house period piece. So classy, right?! This movie is set in 1920s England, and involves a woman who debunks paranormal phenomena investigating ghost sightings at a boarding school. Although it came out last month here, perhaps there's still a theater near you showing it? Otherwise, you'll probably have to wait until the DVD comes out in March. :(

 

Ah, found footage horror movies. While others are deriding you as a played-out trend, I'm watching from between my fingers. From Blair Witch to Paranormal Activity, I think found footage movies are invariably scary. And V/H/S, which I believe is still available via OnDemand, combines two of my greatest loves: Found footage and horror anthologies! Also, everything I've heard has been extremely positive. I believe this one will also be in theaters on October 5. 

 

Hotel Transylvania pros: It's an animated horror film. I love spooky animation, i.e. ParaNorman, Coraline, Corpse Bride, Nightmare Before Christmas, et.al. Also, the premise is kind of cute: Dracula's castle is a luxury resort for monsters, and Drac is an overprotective dad raising a sheltered teenage daughter who isn't allowed to experience the outside world. Could be good, right? Cons: Adam Sandler is the voice of Dracula. I'm scared. And not in a good way. Catch it in theaters (maybe?) on September 28.

 

...And speaking of spooky animated movies, here's one that I am whole-hoggedly recommending even though I haven't seen it yet: Tim Burton's Frankenweenie! This is a full-length film based on Tim Burton's live action short of the same name about a boy who resurrects his beloved dog. It's going to be adorable. I can't wait. Hits theaters on October 5.

 

I don't know a lot about Sinister - sometimes I prefer to avoid a lot of pre-movie hype when it comes to horror, because I think it makes the scares that much more unpredictable - but I do know that it, as the poster says, comes from the producers of Paranormal Activity and Insidious, and that seems like a pretty rad pedigree to me. Also, this is the production company behind L.A.'s Blumhouse of Horrors, my most anticipated haunt this year. I feel like Blumhouse has singlehandedly rescued us from torture porn, and for that I will gladly fork over my cash. Catch Sinister in theaters October 5.

 

Oh, and don't forget about Paranormal Activity 4, coming out on October 19! Plot details are hard to come by, but this one looks like it focuses on the family that lives next door to Katie's sister circa the action in PA2. I'm pretty sure you already know whether or not you're going to see this movie based on how you felt about the first three, so what else can I say? I'm excited. 

And, finally, a documentary that I'm very much looking forward to will be premiering on the Chiller channel on Sunday, October 28. Titled The American Scream and coming to you from the directing/producing team that gave the world the Troll 2 documentary Best Worst Movie (which I also recommend - it's on Netflix streaming), this one profiles a handful of people who build elaborate haunts in their homes every Halloween. A yard haunts documentary! Definitely setting my DVR for this one.

Spooky Little Delights

So many spooky delights have been tickling my fancy lately that it's hard to decide where to start, so let's just dive right in to the gooey green fondant center, shall we?

Allow me to be a little more specific: CADBURY SCREME EGGS ARE HERE!!! THEY'RE HERE!! For those of you who don't regularly scour the Internet to read about Cadbury treats that are only available in the UK, Europe and Australia, let me provide a little background on these treats: They are HALLOWEEN-THEMED CREME EGGS. If that doesn't mean anything to you because you think Cadbury Creme Eggs are gross or whatever, then move on to the next item, sister. But if you, like me, live for that moment in early March when Creme Eggs first pop up by the register in the grocery store or on drugstore shelves, and if you've often thought the only way they could be improved upon is if they were somehow associated with a more exciting holiday than Easter, behold! I bring you tidings of green joy! For not only are Creme Eggs now available in fall as well as spring, they also: 1) Have a scarier name (Screme Eggs?! eek!), 2) Have a cool purple/black/green wrapper, and 3) Contain goo that is more akin to swamp muck than egg yolks. I swear, they even taste a little better than regular Creme Eggs. I found these at Rite Aid, but they should be everywhere by now. Unless I've already eaten all of them. Tee hee.

I know I'm a little late on this, but have you seen ParaNorman? It came out last month and it rules! It's an animated film ("from the makers of Coraline!" proclaims the poster, and it's similar to that movie in tone and subject matter) about a boy who can talk to the dead and who finds himself as the last line of defense between his town and a zombie apocalypse brought on by a witch's curse. Or was she a witch? Snap! Anyhow, this movie is so cute and fun and spooky.

My current favorite spooky TV show - at least until American Horror Story starts up again on October 17 - is Syfy's Paranormal Witness. Seriously, are you watching this show? If you like ghost stories, you MUST. YOU MUST! Whether you believe in ghosts or not, it's really compelling, well-told stuff - similar to that show A Haunting, but with better production values. The episode about the two security guards in the haunted theater was excellent. So spooky. This show kind of makes my Wednesday every single week, and I'll miss it when it goes on hiatus again.

I just started reading The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern, and I'm only like 50 pages in, but it's so good that I feel compelled to mention it already. If you like mysterious circuses and 19th-century magicians, pick it up.

And, finally, every horror fan should know and love the divine Sharon Needles, my new favorite drag queen since she won last season of RuPaul's Drag Race. When she came out in the first episode wearing a black minidress and a pointy witch's hat, I knew I was a fan. One of her signature moments came when one of the other contestants tried to diss her by bitchily snarking, "Go back to Party City where you belong!" Sharon remarked later, "Party City. Fuck you! I like Party City!" Haha, me too, Sharon! Don't let a bitch drag you down, girl! And it looks like Ms. Needles will have the last laugh when her gig as a horror hostess on Logo starts this fall.

Beginning November 1, Sharon Needles will be hosting FEARce!, which will feature screenings of her favorite horror flicks every Thursday night. To whet your appetite, Logo will be launching the series with a "FEARCEfest" on October 28, and a "Halloween FEARCEFest" on October 31. This may not totally fill the void left by the cancellation of Elvira's rebooted Movie Macabre, but it comes pretty damn close.

HALLOWEEN in Theaters This October

John Carpenter's original Halloween is my favorite movie. Ever. Not just my favorite horror film, but my favorite, full-stop. I could watch it over and over again (and frequently do). But since the movie was originally released in 1978, I've never had the pleasure of seeing it on the big screen - so I'm very excited that it will be returning to theaters on October 25 in honor of its 35th anniversary, along with the documentary You Can't Kill the Boogeyman: 35 Years of Halloween. Seriously, I am unspeakably excited for this.

You can check out a list of theaters that will be screening Halloween this fall here. So far, there's only one theater listed in Los Angeles - the Regent in Westwood - but more theaters are set to be added to the list through the end of the month, so check back if your city's not represented.

To quote from Halloweenmovies Facebook, looks like Halloween 2012 will be the night EVERYBODY comes home. YAY.

Tales That Witness Madness (1973)

 

Here's something I just figured out that's kind of blowing my mind: The reason I love horror anthology movies can be almost entirely traced back to The Simpsons' annual "Treehouse of Horror" Halloween specials. Anthologies offer an excellent return on investment in the 90 minutes or so they take to watch; instead of following just one storyline, you get 3 or more. If all of the stories are creepy and engaging, it's like hitting the horror jackpot, and if a few of them suck, the production can still redeem itself with one killer segment. (Example: Creepshow 2 isn't exactly a great movie, but I sure love that menacing lake sludge in "The Raft.")

Tales That Witness Madness, a British anthology from 1973 that is currently available via Netflix streaming, is a keeper through and through. First, the title...the poster...the tagline that promises a veritable orgy of the damned! Made in 1973, this is a movie that is very much of its time visually, especially in terms of costume and set design. If, like me, you love how intensely ugly the 1970s could be, this is a must see.

 

The four stories contained within the movie are framed by a rather clever device: Each one is a tale that has been told by a madman (or madwoman, or madchild) to his or her psychiatrist, who relates the macabre missives to a colleague while guiding him from room to room through the retina-searingly white halls of an ultra-sterile Clockwork Orange-ish mental hospital. The shrink is played by a pre-Halloween Donald Pleasence, doing that doctor-profoundly-haunted-by-the-presence-of-unspeakable-evil thing he does so well.

In the first room, we meet a little boy with a very dangerous imaginary friend. While there were creepy moments, this segment turned out to be the weakest of the bunch. But hang on to your trousers, because next up is a segment about a sinister penny-farthing and the antiques dealer it terrorizes.

Yes, friends. A possessed penny-farthing.

Just when you're beginning to think, "Dude, this is one of my new favorite movies!" it gets better. Because out comes Joan Collins. Early '70s Joan Collins, wearing filmy negligees and floppy bows in her hair and bitchily throwing her drink in the face of a rather feminine-shaped tree that her husband brings home.

Finally, the movie reaches its climax with a segment about a satanic luau, which sounds kind of like the plot to a Scooby Doo episode, which it kind of it is, except no kids meddle so no one's evil plans are foiled, nawmean?

The movie wraps up with a nice little twist - sort of predictable, but fun nonetheless. The morals of this movie seem to be: Don't bring home every crazy thing that you find in the street, or the forest, or your uncle's estate sale or wherever. Handsome men who murmur lasciviously into the ear of your teenage daughter every time you turn your back might have some sort of diabolical ulterior motive. If your child tells you that his imaginary friend hates you, you're probably going to get murdered. And don't fuck with Joan Collins. Hesitate to ax a bitch, she will not.

Quoth The Raven...

I just won tickets to a special screening of The Raven tomorrow night! (Thank you, Dread Central.) What am I in for? Well...

John Cusack and Alice Eve host a spooky night at the Masonic Lodge of the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in honor of their upcoming film "The Raven." The night will feature a performance by Tony award winning poet Lemon Andersen, a seance to conjure the spirit of Edgar Allen Poe, and a screening of the film itself.

Luckily, rain is in the forecast for tomorrow. Poe in a cemetery on a stormy night? Be still, my black heart!

Valerie and Her Week of Wonders (1970)

A profoundly strange and disorienting movie, Valerie and Her Week of Wonders (a Czech movie filmed in 1969 - with government funding! - and released the following year) is a fever dream of sex, death, religion and the confusion that so often accompanies the onset of adolescence. Is it a straight-up horror movie? Not exactly. But if you're in the right frame of mind, the images from this film will certainly find their way into your nightmares.








Everything that happens in this movie is like something out of a bizarre fairy tale - we're talking classic Brothers Grimm here, not the cleaned up Disney versions. While the plot doesn't always "make sense" per se, I think the dreamy flow and jarring imagery accurately convey the horrors of being a 13-year-old girl. You're not quite ready to grow up, but your body has other ideas. Adult sexuality is foreign and intimidating at best, disgusting and threatening at worst. Every man you meet could be a potential predator. And in the middle of all this is Valerie, refusing to be a victim.

There are vampires, demons and a bit of witchcraft (or at least a burning at the stake), ladies who put fish down their dresses, magical earrings and menarche. Fun for the whole family it's not, but if you're down for a visual feast that will stay with you for longer than the 73-minute runtime, I encourage you to seek out a copy of Valerie and Her Week of Wonders.

The Hearse (1980)

Such a strange and pointless movie! The plot is as follows: A woman who strongly resembles Cameron Diaz in Being John Malkovich but with slightly less extreme hair inherits a house in the country and decides to live in it; upon arrival, she discovers that the town is populated exclusively by male sex offenders and potential rapists who eye her lasciviously with varying degrees of both lust and disdain, barely concealed and in equal measure. Each scene is fraught with tension, as you repeatedly wonder whether you're about to learn that naive, trusting Jane just invited the wrong man into her house. There are vague mumblings about pacts with Satan and lovelorn ancestors, and a little girl with pigtails curtly informs Jane, "Your house is haunted and you're a ghost." I kept expecting something to happen that would begin to propel the plot forward, but instead the main character just trips around making questionable choices, and occasionally a creepy hearse driven by an even creepier driver appears and then disappears - making his rounds before he drops by Oliver Reed's place in Burnt Offerings, no doubt.

There's something to be said for the nostalgic, Vaseline-on-the-lens magic of any horror movie shot circa 1980, but there are other, better films from the era that you should check out before you take a spin in The Hearse.

THIS WEEKEND: See "The Haunted Castle" at a Haunted Castle

Ghost Hunters of Urban Los Angeles and the EPFC Filmmobile are presenting a special FREE screening of F.W. Murnau's The Haunted Castle on Sunday, October 10th at 7:30 PM at a secret location to be disclosed tomorrow. (Hint: It will be at an actual haunted castle!)

They've already shown Haunted Honeymoon underneath the Hollywood sign, and every Sunday in October, GHOULA and EPFC will be screening a different haunting film in a different haunted location in Los Angeles. Visit the blog for more information on this and other upcoming screenings, or RSVP to the Facebook invite - and don't forget to check back within 24 hours of the screening to find out where you're going on Sunday!

UPDATE: The secret location for Sunday's screening has been announced! The Haunted Castle will be shown at Castle Park Mini-Golf in Sherman Oaks.

Black Swan Trailer: Shades of Suspiria?

Here is the official trailer for Darren Aronofsky's Black Swan. It looks creepy and beautiful.

THIS WEEKEND: Zombies & Chainsaw Massacres at the Aero

There are some great double features coming up at the Aero Theatre in Santa Monica and the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood, courtesy of American Cinematheque's "Zombies, Chainsaw Massacres & Other Forms of Terror" series. It kicks off this Saturday, August 14 at the Aero, where they're screening a Tobe Hooper double feature of The Funhouse and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, featuring a Q&A with Hooper (moderated by Mick Garris) in between the films. Quick, someone go and ask him if he actually directed Poltergeist! I'm sure he never gets tired of that one.

And don't forget about "Drop Undead: Zombie Weekend," three days of arm-battling, eye-gouging, shark-wrestling fun:

• Peter Jackson's Dead Alive and Cemetery Man on Friday, August 20 at the Egyptian
• Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness on Saturday, August 21 at the Aero
• Night of the Living Dead and Lucio Fulci's Zombie on Sunday, August 22 at the Egyptian
  

Spooky Previews: Black Swan + Guillermo del Toro's Haunted Mansion

How much am I looking forward to Darren Aronofsky's Black Swan, starring Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis? The first time I heard about the film, it was described as a horror movie. Now, I'm hearing the word "thriller" tossed about, but sometimes "thriller" is just code for "horror movie that may actually be appealing to highbrow audiences," so I'm still excited. Perhaps it's because of Suspiria, but I feel like there's something intrinsically creepy about ballerinas. Plus, I love Portman's makeup in the above shot.

Also very excited to hear that Guillermo del Toro is planning to shoot an all-new Haunted Mansion film for Disney! I enjoyed the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, but their last attempt at a live action HM film (the one with Eddie Murphy, slapstick comedy and lots of CG effects) was tremendously disappointing. I've been crossing my fingers that they would try again for a while now, since I adore the Haunted Mansion, and I think del Toro is just the guy for the job. I don't care whether or not it's family-friendly - I just want it to capture the fun, spooky spirit of the ride.